I no longer enjoy blogging.
It's too much like work, requires so much energy. I read as much as Bloglines (and y'all's settings) will allow, but surfing is too hard, and replies are completely beyond me a lot of times. I am tired, and numb. And it sucks that I feel like I've gotten worse rather than better. It's pretty "normal" in the context of grief to have a sort of honeymoon period before it all comes crashing down. I know this, I expected this, but it still sucks. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling like a lousy wife and mother and friend. I worry that those of you who were there for me all along will think I'm just being ungrateful, or just an ass.
And yet, those worries don't change a thing.
So I come here and open a new post and the cursor blinks expectantly and I try to stare it down, but usually I lose and go to bed defeated. Sometimes I start a post, like this one. Type a while then realize I'm not making any sense or that my entry is so completely disorganized that it's mostly gibberish. Being a writer with a love of the revision process is my downfall lately. I still expect the quality, but haven't got the energy to acheive it, don't feel like proofreading and editing, so I either save as a draft or just close the damn window...
Anyway, I'm going to shut up before I become illiterate, hit publish post before I change my mind.
Lova you guys.