I no longer enjoy blogging.
It's too much like work, requires so much energy. I read as much as Bloglines (and y'all's settings) will allow, but surfing is too hard, and replies are completely beyond me a lot of times. I am tired, and numb. And it sucks that I feel like I've gotten worse rather than better. It's pretty "normal" in the context of grief to have a sort of honeymoon period before it all comes crashing down. I know this, I expected this, but it still sucks. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling like a lousy wife and mother and friend. I worry that those of you who were there for me all along will think I'm just being ungrateful, or just an ass.
And yet, those worries don't change a thing.
So I come here and open a new post and the cursor blinks expectantly and I try to stare it down, but usually I lose and go to bed defeated. Sometimes I start a post, like this one. Type a while then realize I'm not making any sense or that my entry is so completely disorganized that it's mostly gibberish. Being a writer with a love of the revision process is my downfall lately. I still expect the quality, but haven't got the energy to acheive it, don't feel like proofreading and editing, so I either save as a draft or just close the damn window...
Anyway, I'm going to shut up before I become illiterate, hit publish post before I change my mind.
Lova you guys.
Don't worry about making sense or blogging in gibberish. Blog if you feel so inclined and leave us to find your meaning.
ReplyDeleteAnd incidentally, "gibberish" and "illiterate" are not words I associate with you.
E, I don't think anyone expects you to entertain us, or write us beautiful verses right now. I don't think anyone expects anything at all from you, except to do exactly what you're doing-- getting through each day the best you can.
ReplyDeleteWith the heart walk and the news stories and everything else, it was easy to bury your grief in activity but now that things have slowed down and there's not so much to keep you busy, it's harder to be distracted from the huge empty void left by Nova's passing.
Love you E. Blog when you feel like it, we'll be here listening, as always.
Angie took the words from my mouth. Erin, we don't mind what you write, or when you write it. I understand why you don't comment often -I think we all know that you're not ever going to be the same, and that you are going through some terrible times. I really wish you didn't have to. Just know that you are loved, and whenever you need us we'll all be here to support you.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))
E, remember the beauty of bloggy self-absorption: it's all about you. How you want it, how you like it, when and if you feel like saying it. This is not The Erin Monahan Show and you do not have to please an audience to make ratings. It's yours in its entirety. We are just lucky enough (privileged!) to access it and we do so because we want to. Write or don't write. Blogging should not feel obligatory; it's strictly self-indulgent. If you don'wanna, you don'hav'ta! :)
ReplyDeleteLove you muchly and I think of you all the time. XOXOXOX
not to worry, love.
ReplyDeletefuck whoever doesn't like it.
Indeed it is...all about you.