Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
6/04: Day 10 (a gift to myself, and those in my past, if they choose to accept it)
6/04: Day 10 (a gift to myself, and those in my past, if they choose to accept it)
All things are (like poetry) subjective, open to personal interpretation. And all things have value, even if only to us.
My job, to most, is a crappy job. Admittedly, even to me at first, it was a crappy pointless job. But I've come to enjoy it, a lot. I adore my bosses. And I am, honestly, honored to know that they have such implicit trust in me to take care of something that is so deeply important to them.
No, I'm not going to get rich by any means. Not financially anyway. But my life has been enriched by having these people in my life, by having these experiences with them. That sounds silly to a lot of people reading this, I know it does. But to me, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and each of us can choose how much, or how little, to take away from the opportunities in our lives. The choice is ours. I choose to appreciate everything.
Even, in retrospect, most of the negative situations I've experienced.
And I'm sure that eventually, I will even come to be thankful for the negatives that I currently still harbor resentments and bad feelings about. Maybe, if I try hard enough, I will even find some sort of silver lining surrounding the deaths of my children. It is just a point of getting myself into the right place mentally to examine things objectively enough to find the lessons I'm supposed to learn.
But the other side of this philosophy is realizing that sometimes, those interactions were not for me... that those lessons may not be mine to learn, but that I am simply, unwittingly, sometimes a part of someone else's opportunity, some one else's lesson.
So today I am making a heart felt attempt to find those lessons, to be grateful for the things I've been through, for the sake of who they have made me, and let go of them so that the other people involved can learn, if they so choose, from those experiences we have shared.
I feel that it is important, in order to allow that to happen, for me to put aside my resentments, and forgive those that I feel have wronged me. I am starting right now to think of them in terms of, not how they negatively impacted me, but how I may have, hopefully, positively impacted them.
All things are (like poetry) subjective, open to personal interpretation. And all things have value, even if only to us.
My job, to most, is a crappy job. Admittedly, even to me at first, it was a crappy pointless job. But I've come to enjoy it, a lot. I adore my bosses. And I am, honestly, honored to know that they have such implicit trust in me to take care of something that is so deeply important to them.
No, I'm not going to get rich by any means. Not financially anyway. But my life has been enriched by having these people in my life, by having these experiences with them. That sounds silly to a lot of people reading this, I know it does. But to me, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and each of us can choose how much, or how little, to take away from the opportunities in our lives. The choice is ours. I choose to appreciate everything.
Even, in retrospect, most of the negative situations I've experienced.
And I'm sure that eventually, I will even come to be thankful for the negatives that I currently still harbor resentments and bad feelings about. Maybe, if I try hard enough, I will even find some sort of silver lining surrounding the deaths of my children. It is just a point of getting myself into the right place mentally to examine things objectively enough to find the lessons I'm supposed to learn.
But the other side of this philosophy is realizing that sometimes, those interactions were not for me... that those lessons may not be mine to learn, but that I am simply, unwittingly, sometimes a part of someone else's opportunity, some one else's lesson.
So today I am making a heart felt attempt to find those lessons, to be grateful for the things I've been through, for the sake of who they have made me, and let go of them so that the other people involved can learn, if they so choose, from those experiences we have shared.
I feel that it is important, in order to allow that to happen, for me to put aside my resentments, and forgive those that I feel have wronged me. I am starting right now to think of them in terms of, not how they negatively impacted me, but how I may have, hopefully, positively impacted them.
Monday, June 2, 2008
What do I want?
As you know, I recently signed up for the 29 days of giving challenge at 29gifts.org. I filled out my profile... name, location, why did you join, what do you want... wait... what do I want!? Seemed a little odd, it's a giving challenge, what does that have to do with what I want? It made me think of all those times my mother would tell me that according to the bible you receive tenfold (or is it 100? I can't remember anymore) what you give to the church, and how often I heard people say that they tithed in hopes of receiving something in return... It seems however that the basic concept is that we actually receive when we give, that the giving, in a way, IS receiving... anyway. It's a question I've pondered for a week now. What do I want?
Money enough to pay the bills without such a struggle. Enough to get every one's glasses and have enough left over to replace my own worn out eye-shredding contacts that I've worn FAR longer than their 2 week shelf life.
A little house with a round porch and a bay window looking out onto the ocean.
My children to be happy well adjusted adults who define success in terms of personal growth and generosity...
Cheap gas, super models that aren't so damned bony, world peace...
No.
What I really want is to waste ink.
To put pen to paper and listen to the shuffle of the heel of my hand as it dances across the expanse of an empty notebook. To rip out one sheet and see the residuals of yesterday's words on tomorrow's page. Blogging seems so impermanent. Sure, if my computer crashes today, my blog will remain. But what happens if Google is the next lucky recipient of one special delivery jet airliner? We are a nation of people that have learned to accept that all things are disposable. That nothing is ever lasting - we've finally come to realize that even the planet on which we live will not be around forever. What will be left of us in 50 or 100 years when blogging fades like all fads do, when the Internet has gone the way of 8 tracks and 16mm film? When Cds and DVDs are as outdated as the floppy discs we saved school reports to in grammar school? When we die, our grandchildren will not rifle through our bedside stand and find scraps of wisdom scribbled on napkins and memo books. There will be no shoe box filled with our poetry on the top shelf of our closet, no journals filled with daily observations under our beds.
Yes, what I want to do is waste ink on crappy poetry and crappier prose. I want to scribble nonsense on napkins and leave it as my legacy. I want to record me in writing, if for no better reason than egotism. I just want to waste ink.
Money enough to pay the bills without such a struggle. Enough to get every one's glasses and have enough left over to replace my own worn out eye-shredding contacts that I've worn FAR longer than their 2 week shelf life.
A little house with a round porch and a bay window looking out onto the ocean.
My children to be happy well adjusted adults who define success in terms of personal growth and generosity...
Cheap gas, super models that aren't so damned bony, world peace...
No.
What I really want is to waste ink.
To put pen to paper and listen to the shuffle of the heel of my hand as it dances across the expanse of an empty notebook. To rip out one sheet and see the residuals of yesterday's words on tomorrow's page. Blogging seems so impermanent. Sure, if my computer crashes today, my blog will remain. But what happens if Google is the next lucky recipient of one special delivery jet airliner? We are a nation of people that have learned to accept that all things are disposable. That nothing is ever lasting - we've finally come to realize that even the planet on which we live will not be around forever. What will be left of us in 50 or 100 years when blogging fades like all fads do, when the Internet has gone the way of 8 tracks and 16mm film? When Cds and DVDs are as outdated as the floppy discs we saved school reports to in grammar school? When we die, our grandchildren will not rifle through our bedside stand and find scraps of wisdom scribbled on napkins and memo books. There will be no shoe box filled with our poetry on the top shelf of our closet, no journals filled with daily observations under our beds.
Yes, what I want to do is waste ink on crappy poetry and crappier prose. I want to scribble nonsense on napkins and leave it as my legacy. I want to record me in writing, if for no better reason than egotism. I just want to waste ink.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
this just feels silly
It feels so silly to copy and paste these posts to all my blogs every day. If you want to keep up with my journey through the 29gifts.org 29 day giving challenge... click here: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/profiles/blog/list?user=1lwcct54d6eot
Friday, May 30, 2008
5/30: Day 5 of 29
5/30: Day 5 of 29
29gifts.org 29 day giving challenge
Heh, what a day. Sometimes this isn't as easy as it would seem!
re: day 4: The care package I left in the ladies' room at work? Still at work. I dunno... eventually someone will take it, right? I hope.
re: day 5 On Wednesday I listed an infant car seat and 2 bases on Freecycle - yesterday a woman replied. Her 6 month old son needed a new car seat because the cat peed in the one they bought and even with washing it, she couldn't get the smell out. She stopped by and picked it up this afternoon. Seemed really sweet, and her son was just too cute!
I shot her an email after she left... it had one of the tags/images I created and the message "You've been gifted!" plus the URL, hope she joins :)
Day 5: After work I went home and had a 1/2 cup of coffee and grabbed the breast pump and headed out to give it to the girl I posted about yesterday. I expected to be a little sad about letting it go, but I feel really good about it. She was very appreciative, and promises to get it back to me. Again, if she doesn't, that's ok too. I'm really at peace with giving it to her if that's how it works out. It was the right thing to do, and in the end that's what matters - that *I* do what *I* am supposed to do. I can't control whether she does the right thing or not, and it isn't my place to try.
OK, now for everyone else's last couple of days:
Yesterday (5/29, day 4):
Kassi: defended someone at school when people were being mean to him (the amusing thing is, the person she defended was a teacher... they were making fun of his shiny bald head)
Bren: helped yet another child with their "$1,000,000 project" in class by letting him cut out and use pictures from the magazines he'd brought in.
Terra: made a plethora of I Love You Daddy pictures for her Daddy
Today: (5/30, day 5)
Kassi: helped Ashley clean out her locker
Bren: helped the bus driver with names of kids that were acting up.
Terra: really wanted to be the one to give the car seat to the lady that came today so she helped me carry it out to the porch, and she also helped me deliver the breast pump to Jennifer.
29gifts.org 29 day giving challenge
Heh, what a day. Sometimes this isn't as easy as it would seem!
re: day 4: The care package I left in the ladies' room at work? Still at work. I dunno... eventually someone will take it, right? I hope.
re: day 5 On Wednesday I listed an infant car seat and 2 bases on Freecycle - yesterday a woman replied. Her 6 month old son needed a new car seat because the cat peed in the one they bought and even with washing it, she couldn't get the smell out. She stopped by and picked it up this afternoon. Seemed really sweet, and her son was just too cute!
I shot her an email after she left... it had one of the tags/images I created and the message "You've been gifted!" plus the URL, hope she joins :)
Day 5: After work I went home and had a 1/2 cup of coffee and grabbed the breast pump and headed out to give it to the girl I posted about yesterday. I expected to be a little sad about letting it go, but I feel really good about it. She was very appreciative, and promises to get it back to me. Again, if she doesn't, that's ok too. I'm really at peace with giving it to her if that's how it works out. It was the right thing to do, and in the end that's what matters - that *I* do what *I* am supposed to do. I can't control whether she does the right thing or not, and it isn't my place to try.
OK, now for everyone else's last couple of days:
Yesterday (5/29, day 4):
Kassi: defended someone at school when people were being mean to him (the amusing thing is, the person she defended was a teacher... they were making fun of his shiny bald head)
Bren: helped yet another child with their "$1,000,000 project" in class by letting him cut out and use pictures from the magazines he'd brought in.
Terra: made a plethora of I Love You Daddy pictures for her Daddy
Today: (5/30, day 5)
Kassi: helped Ashley clean out her locker
Bren: helped the bus driver with names of kids that were acting up.
Terra: really wanted to be the one to give the car seat to the lady that came today so she helped me carry it out to the porch, and she also helped me deliver the breast pump to Jennifer.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
An Inner Conflict (pre-blogging re: day 5)
An Inner Conflict (pre-blogging re: day 5)
29gufts.org 29 day giving challenge
When I was pregnant with Nova, I knew I'd breastfeed, as I had with Alexis and Terra. What I didn't know at the time was that he'd have a heart defect. When we found that out, I was even more resolved. Babies do best on breast milk, and babies with compromised immune systems need all the help they can get when it comes to fighting infections, so, for Nova, breast milk really was best. Unfortunately, he was in the hospital for the first 12 days of his life, and was bottle fed for that time frame. So by the time we got to bring him home, he wouldn't latch on, he had no idea what to do with a nipple made of anything other than rubber. So I got a breast pump. I didn't care if I had to be hooked up to "the cow machine" (as we fondly referred to it) 24/7, as long as I was doing what I could to help Nova thrive. And thrive he did. Many heart babies are failure to thrive babies. Not Nova, he, um... blossomed... quite nicely. He had doubled his birth weight by the time he was 2 1/2 months old. He loved to eat! But I digress...
When Nova died, I was left with tons of baby stuff. The crib, the car seats, swing, bouncy seat, and that breast pump. I put it all in storage a while, just not able to part with it. Then my young niece got pregnant and asked to borrow his things, including the breast pump. Reluctantly, I let her, on the agreement that I'd get it all back. Crazy as it may sound, I was emotionally attached to that pump. It represented the only thing I could actively do to help ensure he was healthy while he was alive.
I have not received ANY of his things back, except that pump. Which I subsequently lent to 2 other women. Each time it was passed on, I worried it would be broken or never be returned. It was not broken. It was returned. In perfect working order. They were good friends I trusted, and they proved that my (mild) concern was unfounded.
I've recently started a new job, and at this job worked a guy I went to Elementary, Middle AND High School with, but haven't seen in nearly 20 years. He and his girlfriend are BROKE. His girlfriend is pregnant. I am not overly fond of said girlfriend, and frankly, I don't trust her to properly care for this pump.
And yet, I feel led to let her use it.
But I have absolutely no doubt that, if I do, I will not get it back.
But... I feel led to let her use it.
I'm not generally one to fight it. When I feel led to do something, I firmly believe that there's a reason - that you should always do it, if you feel led to do so. But ... what if she breaks it? What if she never returns it. These are not "concerns" but "convictions" in this case. And yet...
So I've struggled with this for a couple of months now. I considered selling it to her, but she couldn't afford to buy it. So I decided NOT to let her use it. Decided it so firmly that I actually posted it for sale on a local site, it didn't sell. Then I took it to a yard sale to sell, but it didn't sell. But I figured if I didn't own it, I would no longer have to struggle with this decision, right?
Well, The Universe obviously didn't intend for it to be sold. And I'm glad, to have sold it would have cheapened the spirit that this pump has come to symbolize, and I think it might have racked up some negative Karma points for me... I know better than to fight it!
Ever heard the phrase "Never lend money that you can't afford give away?" Basically, it means that if you lend money to anyone, don't do it until you have reconciled yourself with never getting repaid.
I have reconciled myself to never getting this pump back, and accepted that The Universe wants it to go to this particular person. If I get it back, great, and if I don't, well - *I've* done what I was supposed to do. So tomorrow after work, I'm going to stop by her house and give it to her, knowing that I'll be doing exactly what I should do with it, and that Nova would approve.
29gufts.org 29 day giving challenge
When I was pregnant with Nova, I knew I'd breastfeed, as I had with Alexis and Terra. What I didn't know at the time was that he'd have a heart defect. When we found that out, I was even more resolved. Babies do best on breast milk, and babies with compromised immune systems need all the help they can get when it comes to fighting infections, so, for Nova, breast milk really was best. Unfortunately, he was in the hospital for the first 12 days of his life, and was bottle fed for that time frame. So by the time we got to bring him home, he wouldn't latch on, he had no idea what to do with a nipple made of anything other than rubber. So I got a breast pump. I didn't care if I had to be hooked up to "the cow machine" (as we fondly referred to it) 24/7, as long as I was doing what I could to help Nova thrive. And thrive he did. Many heart babies are failure to thrive babies. Not Nova, he, um... blossomed... quite nicely. He had doubled his birth weight by the time he was 2 1/2 months old. He loved to eat! But I digress...
When Nova died, I was left with tons of baby stuff. The crib, the car seats, swing, bouncy seat, and that breast pump. I put it all in storage a while, just not able to part with it. Then my young niece got pregnant and asked to borrow his things, including the breast pump. Reluctantly, I let her, on the agreement that I'd get it all back. Crazy as it may sound, I was emotionally attached to that pump. It represented the only thing I could actively do to help ensure he was healthy while he was alive.
I have not received ANY of his things back, except that pump. Which I subsequently lent to 2 other women. Each time it was passed on, I worried it would be broken or never be returned. It was not broken. It was returned. In perfect working order. They were good friends I trusted, and they proved that my (mild) concern was unfounded.
I've recently started a new job, and at this job worked a guy I went to Elementary, Middle AND High School with, but haven't seen in nearly 20 years. He and his girlfriend are BROKE. His girlfriend is pregnant. I am not overly fond of said girlfriend, and frankly, I don't trust her to properly care for this pump.
And yet, I feel led to let her use it.
But I have absolutely no doubt that, if I do, I will not get it back.
But... I feel led to let her use it.
I'm not generally one to fight it. When I feel led to do something, I firmly believe that there's a reason - that you should always do it, if you feel led to do so. But ... what if she breaks it? What if she never returns it. These are not "concerns" but "convictions" in this case. And yet...
So I've struggled with this for a couple of months now. I considered selling it to her, but she couldn't afford to buy it. So I decided NOT to let her use it. Decided it so firmly that I actually posted it for sale on a local site, it didn't sell. Then I took it to a yard sale to sell, but it didn't sell. But I figured if I didn't own it, I would no longer have to struggle with this decision, right?
Well, The Universe obviously didn't intend for it to be sold. And I'm glad, to have sold it would have cheapened the spirit that this pump has come to symbolize, and I think it might have racked up some negative Karma points for me... I know better than to fight it!
Ever heard the phrase "Never lend money that you can't afford give away?" Basically, it means that if you lend money to anyone, don't do it until you have reconciled yourself with never getting repaid.
I have reconciled myself to never getting this pump back, and accepted that The Universe wants it to go to this particular person. If I get it back, great, and if I don't, well - *I've* done what I was supposed to do. So tomorrow after work, I'm going to stop by her house and give it to her, knowing that I'll be doing exactly what I should do with it, and that Nova would approve.
5/29: Day 4 "feeling sheepish"
5/29: Day 4 "feeling sheepish"
29gifts.org, 29 Day Giving Challenge -
Today I left a care package in the lady's room where I work... nothing big at all, a little heart shaped scented candle and a Gaurdian Angel lapel pin in a tiny little gift bag with the URL on the tag. I figured some random customer would find it and come out with it and a smile. There were, however, some things I didn't take time to consider or anticipate, such as the possibility that, at the end of my shift, it would still be there. Or the possibility that one of my co-workers would find it and ask if it was mine. DOH!
One of the girls on nightshift found it just as I was leaving and for some reason I felt like I'd been caught doing something naughty. What's up with that? I totally denied having any knowledge of said care package. So she asks me what she should do with it and I'm like, "Well, you found it, keep it!" (Not generally our policy on found items in the restaurant...) She smiled and said "I got a present today!" and I was ready to leave... and then she showed it to the other girl on duty tonight, and there was more discussion, and I pretended I knew nothing about it, again...
Then on the walk home, I'm in near-panic mode thinking that my co-workers were going to come to the URL and find out it was me... I even changed my profile picture, as if they aren't going to see "erin" on the front page and click on my profile, read my blogs, and know full well that it's me.
I guess the question is: WHY? Why was my gut reaction to deny that I am part of this movement/challenge? I've got to think through this one, because at first sight, it seems that I'm ashamed of being generous, but that's not it at all. It's hard to explain, but for some reason I get uncomfortable when people "admire" me - and I have gotten a lot of attention because of my AHA involvement and fundraising... I think I just want to remain anonymous with this whole thing (as far as people I see in my "real" life) and avoid what becomes an uncomfortable situation for me.
So: note to self: no more care packages at work. And if anyone I work with should happen to read this, please do me a favor, and don't bring it up, it'll make me blush and stutter.
As for what the rest of my family has done, I really have no idea yet, I'll update later.
29gifts.org, 29 Day Giving Challenge -
Today I left a care package in the lady's room where I work... nothing big at all, a little heart shaped scented candle and a Gaurdian Angel lapel pin in a tiny little gift bag with the URL on the tag. I figured some random customer would find it and come out with it and a smile. There were, however, some things I didn't take time to consider or anticipate, such as the possibility that, at the end of my shift, it would still be there. Or the possibility that one of my co-workers would find it and ask if it was mine. DOH!
One of the girls on nightshift found it just as I was leaving and for some reason I felt like I'd been caught doing something naughty. What's up with that? I totally denied having any knowledge of said care package. So she asks me what she should do with it and I'm like, "Well, you found it, keep it!" (Not generally our policy on found items in the restaurant...) She smiled and said "I got a present today!" and I was ready to leave... and then she showed it to the other girl on duty tonight, and there was more discussion, and I pretended I knew nothing about it, again...
Then on the walk home, I'm in near-panic mode thinking that my co-workers were going to come to the URL and find out it was me... I even changed my profile picture, as if they aren't going to see "erin" on the front page and click on my profile, read my blogs, and know full well that it's me.
I guess the question is: WHY? Why was my gut reaction to deny that I am part of this movement/challenge? I've got to think through this one, because at first sight, it seems that I'm ashamed of being generous, but that's not it at all. It's hard to explain, but for some reason I get uncomfortable when people "admire" me - and I have gotten a lot of attention because of my AHA involvement and fundraising... I think I just want to remain anonymous with this whole thing (as far as people I see in my "real" life) and avoid what becomes an uncomfortable situation for me.
So: note to self: no more care packages at work. And if anyone I work with should happen to read this, please do me a favor, and don't bring it up, it'll make me blush and stutter.
As for what the rest of my family has done, I really have no idea yet, I'll update later.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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