Thursday, May 29, 2008

An Inner Conflict (pre-blogging re: day 5)

An Inner Conflict (pre-blogging re: day 5) 29 day giving challenge

When I was pregnant with Nova, I knew I'd breastfeed, as I had with Alexis and Terra. What I didn't know at the time was that he'd have a heart defect. When we found that out, I was even more resolved. Babies do best on breast milk, and babies with compromised immune systems need all the help they can get when it comes to fighting infections, so, for Nova, breast milk really was best. Unfortunately, he was in the hospital for the first 12 days of his life, and was bottle fed for that time frame. So by the time we got to bring him home, he wouldn't latch on, he had no idea what to do with a nipple made of anything other than rubber. So I got a breast pump. I didn't care if I had to be hooked up to "the cow machine" (as we fondly referred to it) 24/7, as long as I was doing what I could to help Nova thrive. And thrive he did. Many heart babies are failure to thrive babies. Not Nova, he, um... blossomed... quite nicely. He had doubled his birth weight by the time he was 2 1/2 months old. He loved to eat! But I digress...

When Nova died, I was left with tons of baby stuff. The crib, the car seats, swing, bouncy seat, and that breast pump. I put it all in storage a while, just not able to part with it. Then my young niece got pregnant and asked to borrow his things, including the breast pump. Reluctantly, I let her, on the agreement that I'd get it all back. Crazy as it may sound, I was emotionally attached to that pump. It represented the only thing I could actively do to help ensure he was healthy while he was alive.

I have not received ANY of his things back, except that pump. Which I subsequently lent to 2 other women. Each time it was passed on, I worried it would be broken or never be returned. It was not broken. It was returned. In perfect working order. They were good friends I trusted, and they proved that my (mild) concern was unfounded.

I've recently started a new job, and at this job worked a guy I went to Elementary, Middle AND High School with, but haven't seen in nearly 20 years. He and his girlfriend are BROKE. His girlfriend is pregnant. I am not overly fond of said girlfriend, and frankly, I don't trust her to properly care for this pump.

And yet, I feel led to let her use it.
But I have absolutely no doubt that, if I do, I will not get it back.
But... I feel led to let her use it.

I'm not generally one to fight it. When I feel led to do something, I firmly believe that there's a reason - that you should always do it, if you feel led to do so. But ... what if she breaks it? What if she never returns it. These are not "concerns" but "convictions" in this case. And yet...

So I've struggled with this for a couple of months now. I considered selling it to her, but she couldn't afford to buy it. So I decided NOT to let her use it. Decided it so firmly that I actually posted it for sale on a local site, it didn't sell. Then I took it to a yard sale to sell, but it didn't sell. But I figured if I didn't own it, I would no longer have to struggle with this decision, right?

Well, The Universe obviously didn't intend for it to be sold. And I'm glad, to have sold it would have cheapened the spirit that this pump has come to symbolize, and I think it might have racked up some negative Karma points for me... I know better than to fight it!

Ever heard the phrase "Never lend money that you can't afford give away?" Basically, it means that if you lend money to anyone, don't do it until you have reconciled yourself with never getting repaid.

I have reconciled myself to never getting this pump back, and accepted that The Universe wants it to go to this particular person. If I get it back, great, and if I don't, well - *I've* done what I was supposed to do. So tomorrow after work, I'm going to stop by her house and give it to her, knowing that I'll be doing exactly what I should do with it, and that Nova would approve.

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