Slipping into December

So it's December, officially, as of 1 minute ago. Another month gone, another year winding up to its end. 2006 seems still to be a long way away though - weirdly distant. I guess I just have to get through this month one day at a time. The closer it gets to the 7th, the harder that seems to be. I know I'll make it through whatever happens, because life doesn't really offer any other option, yet on some level, I don't think I can.
I don't want to do this again. Isn't once enough?

I keep trying to be positive you know - trying to convince myself that lightning can't strike twice. But lightning has struck again. And I want to believe that life (or fate or god or whatever) can't be cruel enough to take another one of my children from me, but the truth is, it may very well be just that cruel. And I'm torn between facing reality and keeping hope.

And you know what? It's just fucking wrong to have to contemplate the possibility of having to plan a funeral for one of your children, let alone your second child - and within weeks of Christmas no less. And it sucks to have to accept that as part of your reality, and then feel guilty for thinking that way, and beat yourself up for not thinking more positive thoughts because you know that you'll feel responsible if things go wrong. And there are no answers, let alone good answers or right answers, and there are no choices because you're not in control. And it's fucking wrong that as a mother, you have to accept that you can't fix this for your child because this isn't some little booboo to kiss, no scraped knee that you can love away.

And I want to let go, to break down, to feel whatever I feel and react to it however I need to but I can't because I'm afraid I'd never get back up. Afraid that people around me would think I'd gone insane. And I want to give myself permission to be depressed - and I just want to stop having to go on like everything is just fucking dandy. And I can't, because I have to be strong enough to survive, strong enough to be here for the other kids through this, strong enough that Scott doesn't have to hold me up, because he's going through the same things I am and it isn't fair to expect him to be some superhuman hero who puts aside his own fear and pain to drag me through mine.

You hear people say how they found themselves in some bad situation, hoping it was just a dream, wishing they could just wake up and realize that it was all just a trick or a joke or a nightmare, and it's become almost a cliche - but it's surprisingly possible to find yourself in that position. I spent months after Alexis died wishing I could just wake up. Months of mornings spent re-digesting reality, re-accepting her death. And here I am again. With every kick and hiccup, every mad dash to the bathroom, all those things that make a pregnant woman sort of grin and rub her belly and think of tiny little fingers and sweet newborn smiles - all those things that should make me look forward to next week just remind me again that this baby isn't OK, that this baby may never come home. . . And I just want to wake up and realize that it's all a bad dream.

I'm down

My background images are hosted on my poeticacceptance.com server, which is hosted by godaddy.com, which is down, which means my blog will be flat grey until they're up and running again. I could upload them somewhere else and adjust my template, but to be honest, I don't feel like it. I'm thinking that maybe the best thing to do would be to upload them to blogger sometime.

Truth be told, I don't care so much about my blog being bland right now - the worst part of this is that I can't check my poeticacceptance.com email account, and it's one of my 2 main accounts - actually, it's my main main account. So if you email me and I don't respond, that's why. If you leave a comment here and I act oblivious to it, that's because I am - my comment notification goes to that account too.

Onward

Onward

Finally a day without doctors -
this time next week I'll be a mother
again
but for how long, they can't say.

No magical medical prescription
can answer that question.

You know, there is no passion
in the coming of the Carolina winter
just sudden cold whispers and
a subtle change in the flavor of sunlight
from peaches to pine,

and my chest seizes at the passing
of another week - onward into December.

Poetry

37 5/7

I need to write poetry, but I refuse to post shit-poetry in order to fulfill a cathartic need. I have loads of it in draft form though :)

Have you guys discovered Blog Lines? I freakin' love it, I go there to "my feeds" and read all of your blogs from one spot. However, I have to admit that I feel a little guilty about reading your blogs without actually visiting them. You should all change your blogger settings to show only the first bit of each post rather than the whole thing.

I finally got some antibiotics for this thing I have. I'm pretty sure it's a sinus infection, and the coughing is caused by the drainage. The doctor gave me an Rx for Z-pack without even testing me for anything, mostly because I all but begged I think, but also because I emphasized that if I'm sick when Donovan's born, I won't be able to visit him in the NICU. I think she didn't want to be the one responsible for me not being able to visit him, you know, just in case. This Z-pack must kick ass though. (Yogurt. Must remember to eat yogurt...) You know how antibiotics usually work, 2 or 3 a day for like 10 days? This stuff - I took 2 pills today, then 1 pill a day for the next four days. That's it. Guess that way she figures I'm done with the full course before he's born. That works for me. Maybe I'll sleep tonight, god I hope I sleep tonight! I had a very nice nap when I got home today. It was good to sleep... sleep is good. I miss it.

My stomach does tricks y'all. It dances and stuff all by itself.

Let's have some fun with math eh?
I'm 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I've gained 22lbs. At the ultrasound they did all their magic measurements and said he weighs 5lbs 13oz right now. But my god! I caught site of my profile in the mirror today. I have never been this big. I'm freakin HUGE! So I decided to measure my "waist" this afternoon. Normally it's 26" - it now measures 39 1/4"!

All these figures add up to my seriously round figure, which resembles something from a funhouse mirror. I'd post a picture, but, well... no. :)

today

Another ultrasound. The cardiologist wanted another ultrasound, and that's what he got today. Of course afterwards, he didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know, except to have put a more definite calendar into effect by saying that the surgery will definitely be sometime within the first 10 days. No later than December 17th. One way or another, whatever happens with the surgery, we'll know before Christmas. God help me, I hope that he does fine with the surgery and is a week into his recovery by then - which would mean that he'd be looking at a positive prognosis. Something to celebrate for Christmas.

And they looked back into Alexis' chart and saw that she WAS tested for Di George Syndrome after all, and it came back negative. That means that most likely, Donovan is negative too, and we won't have all the other complications associated with that to deal with. That's a huge relief to me, not only for Donovan, but for my other kids and their kids.

We haven't heard anything from Randy yet about his tests today, but I figure they have to wait for results. I'll let you's know.

So it's back to the Ob/Gyn tomorrow. She was at the consultation with the cardiologist today at the Women's Institute - I wish she could have just done it all while I was there. I despise driving into Charlotte. It should take about 35 minutes to get there, but normally takes more like an hour and a half - and that was BEFORE the holiday shoppers were added to the traffic mix. In other words, in order to get there by 9am for my appointment tomorrow, I have to leave home no later than 7:45am.

That's before 2 of my kids are even on the school bus.

And you know, Charlotte presents itself as a wealthy, well-to-do, beautiful city... The nations second largest banking and financial center... A "World class city with small town charm." The taxes are through the roof, and there is constantly road construction - why do the surface roads suck so bad?! Holy Hay-soos, by the time we get where we're going, I'm pretty well convinced that Donovan has been shaken out of me and I'll have to catch him when I get out of the truck!

And while we're discussing gifts... we were weren't we? I don't remember, I'm in that post-wrapping daze...

Anyway, I have 3 kids in school, and FOURTEEN teachers between them. I try to show my appreciation for the kids' teachers, and the kids really enjoy giving their teachers a little something (and I DO mean a LITTLE something) but somewhere along the line we went from 2 teachers per kid to like, a lot more than that. Guess that's what I get for letting them go to middle school eh? So thank goodness I'm a bargain hunter from Hell. And I'm sure they'll have a little giggle over it if they all compare their identical little gifts, too. I mean, while I appreciate all they do, I haven't got the money or motivation to spend a bundle on them, so they all better get that whole "it's-the-thought-that-counts" thing.

So I'm still waiting for 3 more gifts to arrive via the Postal Express, so I can wrap them and then I'm good to go - at least as far as the kids go. I still have some adults to buy for. I hate shopping for Ma. She's one of those "I'll love anything you get me" people, which makes it impossible to find something special, know what I mean?

so many doctors, so little time.

Randy seems like he's doing really well lately. Still taking chemo, still waiting for a donor, but he seems stronger, not just physically, but emotionally too. He and his wife have to go to Boston this Wednesday. The doctors who will be doing the transplant want to meet him and get to know a little more about him personally. Plus, they want to get a feel for the hospital and the city and everything.

A little day trip preview I guess. Hope it doesn't snow. I thought they had to go last week, and it was snowing in Troy that day, not sure about Boston. Silly me sat here worrying about them until she emailed me the next day and told me that it was THIS Wednesday.

(duh! lol)

He goes tomorrow to his regular doctor for a bone marrow aspiration so they can see how he's doing on the chemo and Gleevec. The idea of that bone marrow aspiration absolutely makes me cringe. They say it's very painful, and he has to do it regularly. Anyway, we expect to hear good news from that because he seems outwardly at least to be doing so much better.

I go tomorrow to talk to the pediatric cardiologist about the "probable course of action" with Donovan. I realize they aren't going to be able to give me anything concrete until he's born and he's had his ECG and possibly a cardiac catheterization - but I'm hoping I'll feel a little better being able to put faces with names and shake the hands that I'm trusting to save my son's life. There are only 10 days now. A month ago it seemed like I had forever to go, now suddenly it's going so fast.

Tuesday it's back to my regular doctor for my weekly poke-n-prod. I'm glad I have a little bit of knowledge and the nosiness to ask about things when I'm in doubt. The new doctor wants to make me redo all these tests and stuff that I've already done with my other doctor. I've saved myself all sorts of torture by being able to say, "I've already had that test!"

We haven't told the kids yet - we just didn't see any reason to make them worry and be afraid and helpless for weeks like we we do. I just don't know when we will tell them. Before he's born or after? I don't know. Probably after when there's something more solid to tell them. It all gets so complicated and touchy, and there just aren't any good answers.

And I've got to get over this cold or whatever it is I have, or I won't even be able to hold him when he's born.

Poet of the Week

Poetisphere Poet of the Week has been announced at Poetisphere Congratulations to feithline.com

Tarheel Tavern #40

This week's marks the FORTIETH EDITION of the Tarheel Tavern, and it's kickin' it over at ...Slowly She Turned and the place is packed! Looks like everyone came for the big occasion. As usual, there are some wonderful posts there - you should squeeze yourself into the standing room only crowd and take a peek.

A Sign?

I'm not really one to buy into horoscopes or zodiac signs or whatever, but my daughter asked me today what sign Brendon was, which led to me looking up all the signs and their symbols. That in turn led me to a page called "The Destiny of Babies Born in the Year 2005" so of course, knowing when Donovan will be born, I couldn't resist looking up December 7th. It was interesting to say the least.

Born between December 1 and 10, 2005, your baby will possess a sense for the supernatural. Will be romantic, dreamy, and endowed for the arts. Tendency to pessimism and discouragement. Weak sense of reality. With his soft heart will always feel the need to help and to serve. Numerous difficulties in love life. Vulnerable to cardiac palpitations and cramps.

Now like I said, I don't believe in the shit, but it's an interesting coincidence.