Terra

So, I've spent a year (or 4) in denial, sort of. I mean, there are things... *issues* I see in terra that started raising flags when she was about 2ish. She toe walks, she chews stuff, she will only eat/drink certain things, she had issues with loud noises, and a strict bedtime routine. But honestly, I don't know (and I know I've said this before) if these are true issues, or me doing some sort of hypochondriac thing lol. We've never had her seen by any specialists or tested her for anything.

She only toe walks when barefoot now (we've spent years saying "feet flat" and she'll walk right when we do, and as long as she's wearing shoes, she's got her feet in a normal position when she walks.) She's been eating better for a good while (meat even! -she never would eat meat till the last 6 months or so.) The strict bed time routine went the way of the wind long ago, and all that remains is that she prefers one blanket over the others, but will go to bed fine without it.) She even told me while we were outside today that she isn't afraid of trains anymore (we live RIGHT next to the tracks and one went by blowing the horn continuously - which USED TO set her into a frenzy)

So here's the thing. She's very intelligent, she communicates well, she doesn't seem to have any gross or fine motor delays, she's generally healthy and happy and well adjusted (albeit spoiled) and seems to be on or ahead of schedule with her developmental milestones. Whatever issues she has don't really have a negative effect on her.

And yet, they bother me. When I think about having her tested, I wonder... would a doctor even see the things I see? Are these things even "issues" anymore? Were they ever really? Would a diagnosis help or hinder her?

Am I a bad parent for not having her tested? For fearing that if she gets a diagnosis that somehow the therapies and stuff will actually do more harm than good? If she's adjusted and functions perfectly well... what is there to be gained from it? Am I crazy for thinking that we'd end up dwelling on the possible weaknesses to the point that we'd only see those? Or that it might screw up her (presently high) sense of self worth?

Back to School

It's back to School on July 10th... for me that is. I called and set up an appointment for me to take my placement tests so I can get my GED. I go the 10th and take some tests, then go back on the 11th to find out how my test scores look, and what my schedule will look like.

I have no worries at all about getting the GED with a quickness - except for the math. I'm seriously mathematically challenged. I guess I better wear flip flops so I can at least count to 20...

I'm not going to lie. I'm doing this because I want to homeschool Terra, and need a GED or a highschool diploma to do so. Unfortunately, Scott isn't so sure about this homeschool thing... So I'm hoping he'll change his mind, and if he does, I'll be ready. If he doesn't, I'll have my GED and find some other courses to take that I can use to get a good job (maybe even a career!) after she starts school.

I can't believe my youngest is just a year from starting school. Or that I'm just a year from being in a position to have my days to myself to go to school or get a job or whatever.

I'm worried I won't feel like a mom... I mean, of course I'll be a mom, but I've had a young child, not old enough to go to school, pretty much since I was 17, with the exception of 1 year, during which Bren was in kindergarten and I was pregnant with Terra.

I feel like I'm about to start a new chapter in life... And it's scary and exciting to think about. And one way or another, my GED is going to be step one in that chapter.

I haven't

I haven't done any true journaling in a long time. I haven't done much in the way of blog-surfing either. Today someone turned me on to a homeschooling blog and I fell in love - not just with that blog, but I fell in love all over again with the blogosphere and the idea of blogging. Weird really - it was like a lightbulb came on over my head. Again.

I miss blogging, I miss having a network of blogs that I surf daily. I miss the idea of hitting all the blogs that are written by someone who shares an interest in stuff I love or am interested in. I miss Technorati, and Truth Laid Bear and Blogshares!

I am a blog nerd... and I have a feeling my hiatus is coming to an end.

Alexis' CHD Quilt Block

Last year after Nova died, someone told me about the CHD Awareness Quilt(s). These are quilts (40+) that are comprised of seperate blocks, each designed for a CHD child, living or passed. Of course as soon as I heard of it, I requested blocks for both Nova and Alexis. In October, I received a picture of Nova's block. As you can see (if you click) they customize each block for the child it's meant to honor. I requested stars for Nova's, for obvious reasons - and the block is just beautiful.

Today, I received Alexis' block. Again. it's customized just for her. Alexis was 12 days old when she died, and at her funeral, we placed 12 pink roses on her casket... 1 for each day she lived. So her block has pink roses on it.

Nova's block has been waiting for 8 months to be added to a quilt - waiting for Alexis' block to be finished so that they can be put into the same quilt. Now that hers is done, they can be incorporated into a quilt...

I can't wait until they are. The quilts are often displayed at CHD awarenes/fund raiser events around the country, and I'm hoping that we will, someday, be able to see our babies together.

Makes it worth it

So, if you read my last post, you know that OMG has been in the middle of some controversy. Makes life difficult when you pour your heart into something because you believe in it so comletely, and then watch others (others who once proclaimed to be your friends) try tirelessly to tear it down.

And then things happen, little things, that make it all worth it.

Today we had one of our monthly events. One of our members, one who has been a member a while but wasn't very active until recently, came and made a comment to Stephanie (my co-owner/partner in crime.) I didn't get to go because Brendon finally came down with this ugly stomach virus that has already kicked the rest of our asses, but Stephanie stopped by after the event and told me what this member said:

I just want you to know how proud I am to be a member of this group. I'm from Atlanta Georgia, and still never knew that groups like this existed, where everyone could really be themselves...

And with those few words, it is reaffirmed in my mind that it's all worth it. That for one (bisexual, btw) person, they have found a place where they don't have to pretend or hold their breath, and that's what OMG is about... not about the people who don't get it, but about those who do.

So thank you member-who-shall-remain-nameless, for sharing with us that we have lived up to our goal! I could just hug you till you popped! You'll never know how much those few words mean to me, or how good they were to hear (albeit, 2nd hand ;) )

Decisions, Choices, and Consequences

In February we decided to open a mommies group. It's one of the best things I ever did... but it's also proven itself to be one of the most complicated and challenging things I've ever done. See when I decided to do this it was because I belonged to another group that made me feel like I was holding my breath all the time. Made me feel like I was making "friends" who didn't really know me and most likely wouldn't like me if they did know the real me. I didn't like pretending to be something I wasn't - it felt dishonest... and I didn't like feeling like so many of my "friends" weren't really friends at all. If there were people who were happy there, so be it,but I was not one of them, and I knew others felt the same.

So I have been accused of opening OMG to "escape my miserable life" or to "get revenge" or because I was pissed off. Contrary to popular belief, I did it because I needed to do it for myself, in order to feel like I was staying true to myself, because I stopped playing pretend when I was a little girl and if I was going to make friends, then I was going to make them in a place that made me feel like I could be honest enough with people to be able to let them meet the real (unorthodox, bisexual, give a damn) me. Love me or leave me, their choice.

But since I decided to open OMG, I've dealt with the backlash of my decision, as well as the backlash of others' perception of my motivation. Regardless, I still stayed true to myself and did my best not to buy into the surrounding controversy. I have not always been 100% successful, but I can honestly say I've tried, and that I've encouraged others to do the same.

So I made boards like The Confessional, Touchy Feely etc... because sex is a part of real life and we shouldn't have to pretend it isn't. And I also made it known that I was bisexual, because I figured if I did, others would feel that they could as well. And that's what I wanted, a place that encouraged people to feel comfortable being themselves.

Unfortunately, public opinion and "outside influences" have exerted some pressure on us and some people have manipulated things, and suddenly, we have the reputation of being "that sex board, you know, the one with all those lesbians and swingers!"

Funny thing is, all of us 'lesbians and swingers' have always been lesbians and swingers - we only got that reputation because we don't have to hide it on OurMommiesGroup. So if being honest about who we are and being accepting of others and their differences is going to result in us having a bad reputation, then so be it. Let people talk, but I don't regret creating this place, and I will never regret that we don't make people jump through hoops to become our friends.

And yes, at our recent Mom's Night In event, 2 women kissed... and somewhere in the world, 2 other women kissed, locked behind closed doors, feeling ashamed.

I am proud to be the owner of a group that allowed two women to feel like they didn't have to hide. I am proud to be part of a wonderful generous caring group of women that encourages acceptance ALL the time.

And if there is any shame involved it should be on the part of the people who believe that it's better to lie and hide than to be real. It should be on the part of the people who believe that judgement is preferable to honesty. It should be on the part of the people who just need to be intentionally hurtful.

So let them have their gossip and their lies... their games and manipulation and sneaking and scheming and badmouthing. I am bigger than that, I am more honest than that, and in the end, I am far too happy with who I am and the way I conduct myself to need to do any such thing.

I'll have no part of feeling badly based on what their small minds have concocted, because I have remained true to myself.