Sunday, January 28, 2007

More on Adoption

So I have posted before about the adoption saga that is ongoing in our lives. What I don't think I made clear was that everything possible has been done to deny my son his paternal rights. Granted, we still aren't sure that he's the father, but regardless, she claims he's the father, and yet has done everything in her power to guarantee that he was denied even the option of knowing.

I believe that she's been urged to do so by her mother, and I try to keep in mind that she's 15 and feeling pressured by what her mother and her family want her to do. I try to temper my anger with compassion for the situation that she/they are in.

But I won't deny that I'm angry as hell that she has done what she's done to create the situation. And I'm even angrier with her family for being so unciviliazed and immature in a situation that has such vast consequences for so many people, and in so many ways. I won't even pretend to wish them good things. Good things are not what I've been wishing on them in this last 5 days.

When we met with the adoption agents, we were told, from their standpoint, what they would be doing, how the process works, and what they were willing to do to help. Frankly, it didn't seem like much, and was sparked not by 'doing the right thing' legally, morally, or ethically. It seems to be inspired only for the sake of preserving the appearance of ethical behavior. I don't think they really care that the adoptive parents know the baby's health history. I certainly don't think they're even slightly interested in finding out the truth for Tommy's sake, or even for the sake of making sure the adoption goes through without the possibility of Tommy throwing a wrench in it. It feels to me like, faced with us, they had to take measures to protect the reputation of Christian Adoption Services.

Frankly, right now, I cannot care what their motivation is, no matter what a crazy spin it may send my moral compass into. Right now, I have to do what needs to be done, however it needs to be done, to find out if this is Tommy's child. Period. I don't like admitting that. Honesty is of the utmost importance to me, and this whole thing feels distinctly dishonest.


In the last 5 days, she's given birth, named him Graden, and given him away. The adoption agency became very difficult to contact and did a lot of not-returning-calls. We got information (from other sources) that the original family that was to adopt him had backed out and we were left not knowing anything about why they backed out, or where the baby was (or would go.) And of course, that meant that we were also getting no feedback about whether or not there would be a paternity test.

And then this morning the adoption agency called. And they told us that they were indeed going to do a paternity test, but that we'd have to wait until something like Wednesday. This would be problematic if Tommy had any intention of deciding to keep the baby because his 7 day window would then be irrevocably closed. But he has no such intention, and that's a moot point in reality, but don't think for one minute that I think it's an accident or a coincidence... I believe that it is an intentional, purposeful decision on the part of the adoption agency in order to insure their interest, which is, no matter what, to place this baby with the adoptive family. That knowledge makes me even more distrustful of the agency.

Aside from that, if they hold true to their word, the testing will be done this week. Then there is only a six week wait for the results.


  1. What an absolute clusterfuck, E! I just don't see how a baby can legally given up for adoption without the consent of both parents. And if there's a question of paternity, tests should have to be performed before any legal placement can occur or be finalized. What kind of shady dealings are these baby peddlers into? I mean, I'm sure it's highly profitable for them when the do place a child with the adoptive family, but shouldn't there at least be some sort of concern for the child involved?

    I understand that Tommy isn't looking to stop the adoption from happening, etc, but he at least has the right to know that he's the father and willingly make that choice himself. And yes, the adoptive family should be able to have a full family medical history of their new child for the future.

    This makes my stomach ache.

  2. Fuck!

    In an era where Tommy could be held legally responsible for child support should this mother have chosen to keep the child, he should be afforded every right that goes along with that.

    Not only that, this child and the adoptived parents should have a complete medical history. My adopted aunt didn't have the benefit of that during a crisis when a little information could have gone a long way.

    The institution who should be MOST concerned about the well-being of others, clearly has its head up its ass. More and more, that's beginning to seem like the "Christian way." Forget about the individual -- what's good for the institution?

    Worse than pitiful: disgusting.

  3. fake bullshit ethics: it's what the Christian religion projects best. As you know, their agenda (preserving a facade of morals) is the only thing that matters to such organizations.

  4. Angie already said everything I was thinking and better than I could have at the moment.



  5. I can't believe this is legal!