Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Simplicity is Not an Option in my Life

Simplicity is Not an Option in my Life

9 months ago Kory's girlfriend (a 15 year old girl) snuck in Tommy's bedroom window and 'spent the night' with him. The only thing she would say to me the next morning was "I might be pregnant with your grandchild."

Of course she came up pregnant very soon after, and there is some reason to believe that she was already pregnant and looking for a scapegoat... no way to know that yet one way or the other until the baby is born though, so we're operating on the assumption that the baby may very well be his.

The girl's family has refused to talk to us, and insisted that the girl and her sister absolutely not talk to my boys. But through the miracle of teenagerdom, and MySpace, the pregnant girl still occasionally messages the boys. She's very civil to Kory, and nasty as hell to Tommy. Whatever. She's 15, I don't expect a lot from her (and she's proven me right lol) but I would expect more from her family. We shouldn't. Anyway, we got information a couple of weeks ago and apparently, she (and/or her family) have decided to put the baby up for adoption.

This isn't really what Tommy wants to happen. Of course, not even knowing if he actually is the father, he doesn't have a lot of power. It's the way the law is set up... To keep the father as out-of-the-picture as possible so as not to 'screw up' their adoption plans. But he can't afford to raise this baby, and he isn't mature enough to do so even if he had a job or whatever, so he knows that the baby is most likely better off being adopted.

Today, again, thanks to MySpace and the very strange friendship between the mother and my son Kory, we found out that it's a private adoption through a Christian adoption agency. We even know first names of the adoptive parents and their one son, we know why they're adopting, what their educational background is, what line of work they're in, their religious affiliation... We even have pictures of them and their son and their home, from the adoption agency's web page.

With all that said, remember that the mother maintains that Tommy is the father, but has not involved him in any way in the adoption process. She's basically ignoring and trying to circumnavigate his paternal rights. There are laws pertaining to father's rights, and an adoption cannot legally go through without A.) proving paternity and gaining the father's consent for adoption OR B.) Filing the proper court papers to terminate his rights without his knowledge.

This pisses me off in ways I can't even begin to explain.

So, after spending days chasing our tails, making calls and leaving messages and trying to find a way to get a DNA test to prove or disprove paternity (which we started before the new information came to light) we finally know who to contact and how to get this done, to know if it's his or not before the child is adopted.

He doesn't want to stop the adoption or complicate his son's life, he just wants to know if it's his and be listed somewhere so that the son can find him if he chooses to in the future, and of course, he wants to be as involved as they'll allow, and we're hoping they'll allow that...

Now, as much as this is not my issue, my problem to solve, and not about me, I'm going to tell you that this child was (if it's Tommy's) conceived less than a month after Nova died, so there's a certain neurotic connection in my mind between Nova and this baby.

I just lost a son, and it's eating me alive knowing that I may very well be about to lose a grandson too...


  1. Anonymous11:23 PM

    I remember when you posted about it. It made me hurt for you then too.


  2. I really hope you get to at the very least do the DNA testing. I wish you could get to do a whole lot more than that though.


  3. Jeez E. Could just one thing be easy for you?!

    This breaks my heart in so many ways- for you, for Tommy, for the baby to be born, for the stupid and irresponsible girl carrying him. It's a losing situation for so many, but it's your loss that hurts most for me. While no child could ever take Nova's place in your heart, or your family, having that little one to hold and cuddle sure would fill a physical void.

    At least you know the adoptive family info-to some degree. Perhaps if paternity is established, they'd be willing to allow you and Tommy some sort of visitation, or at least keep you updated with pictures?


  4. Wow.
    Stories like these always make it impossible for me to take a strong stand on one side or the other of choice.
    Or maybe that happened after I had a son.
    Or considered the past life of my husband and thought, 'And he's one of the nice ones!'
    Or just took into account that really, most teens are so reckless. As was I from time to time.
    That said, the through the bedroom window deal, and the comment the next morning sure seems pretty thought out.
    I would need to know the DNA results. I hope you get to find out. Not that things will be easier, but it does seem incredible that a new life would come into your life after such a loss. It does seem like all of this chaos is meant to lead to something.
    I wish all of you well.
    Particularly the baby.

  5. Here. And I hear. And I'mm pissed.