Hidden

Hidden

There are too many stars in the sky tonight
poured from the curve of an unfull moon
while midnight fantasies lie
shrouded in the sliver of shadow.

Mine though is a swelling tide
and some secrets are best
when they crash, salty, at your feet.

So...
I saw you today,
standing pale and silent
against a blue noon,
watching as I gardened.

My hands busied themselves
with weeds and bulbs and dirt,
while my mind traced tender fingers
around your sad eyes and smiling lips
and no matter how I tried
I couldn't dig deep enough
to bury the ache.

I tried to leave you a moment
sheltered in the curl of the Canna
and for another,
safely swathed in Gardenia perfume
but found you,
again and again
where you've hidden for weeks -

warm against my chest like
a seed inside my shirt pocket.

remembering - a year later

It's been a year since I started saying goodbye



























It's been over a year since the last time I held Nova, whole and well, alive and alert, just minutes before his open heart surgery. In roughly six weeks, I will commemorate the fact that a year has passed since he died. It's hard to believe sometimes that's it's already been a year. And yet, other times it seems like so long ago that I last buried my face in his chubby little neck.

It has been a year since he was last mine, completely mine. I relinquished my son to a team of physicians, in hopes that they'd return him in better condition than when they received him. Of course, surgery and more surgery, medication, complications and infections... They took my beautiful vibrant baby boy from me before death had a chance. In a way, the 21st is the one year anniversary of the day I let Nova go. That was the day I had chosen to kick off my American Heart Association Charlotte Metro Heart Walk 2007 fundraising campaign. Unfortunately, it was not a day that I managed to do much of anything... so today is now the day.

I know that this last year has weathered my grief, smoothed it just a bit, made it more possible to run my fingers along its edges without drawing blood. If that's true for me, then I know it is exponentially true for the Poetic Acceptance readership, especially with my recent absence, and shitty habit of not returning emails or comments.

But somewhere there is a mother struggling to survive her first day without her child, and somewhere there's a mother whose child will die tomorrow... because as many as 40,000 children will be born with a congenital heart defect this year - making it the #1 birth defect, and nearly 4000 of those children will die, making CHDs the leading cause of defect related infant mortality in the world.

It is for those children, and those mothers, that I ask for your support again this year. Last year, thanks to your unbelievably generous support, I raised $3623, and Team Nova's total topped out over $5000. I sincerely hope that I can meet and even surpass that amount this year, because there simply isn't enough money allocated annually to Congenital Heart Defects research. I want to do my part to face that challenge, and to change those statistics.

So... Support Team Nova 2007, please!

2 years

In loving Memory
Alexa Miranda Neihart
12/5/1998 - 2/13/05

I missed my 2 year blogger-versary on the 9th... but this one, I'd never forgive myself for missing

appointment at the adoption agency.

appointment at the adoption agency

So we just got home from our appointment at the adoption agency.

I am frustrated and relieved, all at once. We were told last week that they'd do the DNA test, and that they had to order a DNA kit that would be in by the middle of this week. Then she called us on Wednesday and set up today's appointment. Does it seem that out of whack that we assumed that the DNA kit came in and that he'd be donating his genetic material this morning? We were greatly mistaken. Basically we went in to discuss the situation, more, again.

 Well, I've explained the whole deal, beginning to end, till I'm ready to explode. I don't know what else they thought there was to say. But one thing they said was that we were mislead about the DNA kit and that if there was going to be a DNA test (get that... 'if' there was going to be a DNA test) that we'd have to pay for it. Yeah, back to square one. Only this time we're in the office, and my ugly was starting to bubble up right out of me -because we were, again, lied to.

Well, she must have seen the ugly coming because she called the director in. I don't like to get ugly, but sometimes, you have no choice. So he came in and we explained the situation again, and we explained the possible health issues again, and we had to emphasize the levity of that situation, again. And I told him, point blank, that the bottom line was that we just cannot afford $500, and that if we had to pay it, it just wasn't going to be done.  

You see, their point of view is that Tommy is most likely the father (and we've come to agree that he probably is) and that with that in mind, they saw no justification in footing the bill for paternity testing they didn't feel was really necessary.  Well without the DNA test, there's a very real possibility of one of two things happening.

A.) The baby is his, but since they don't know for sure, they dismiss the possibilities that are inherent in our family, which could lead to serious ramifications for the child and his adoptive parents.

or

B.) The baby isn't his and they worry unneccessarily for the child's entire life over heart issues that should never have been more worrisome for them than for any "normal" family.

Neither of those choices seems fair to the child or the family that adopted him.

Realistically speaking, although I think Tommy deserves to know one way or the other, the only real risk posed to us by not knowing is that we may spend the next 18 years getting pictures and updates about a baby who isn't really a part of our family. There is no real danger involved in that, other than some emotional hell if we were to find out in 18 years that Tommy is in fact, not the father. But for the child, and his new family, the risks are more concrete, and that is what I needed him to comprehend. I have moved beyond the needs and rights of my son, and become more concerned about what's best for the baby. Tommy screwed up, the consequences of his actions have already been put in place, and he'll have them to deal with for the rest of his life. What we need to do now is ensure that the baby's best interests are served - and to do so, there needs to be concrete information as to paternity. Period.

Well, an hour and a half into our "discussion" he finally agreed that the testing needed to be done, and that if we couldn't afford it, that the agency would absorb the expense.

So I am relieved -unspeakably relieved- to know that we filled out all the paperwork needed to initiate the testing, finally! 

The agency uses a lab out of Burlington NC and they'll coordinate a day that both Tommy and the baby can visit a doctor or lab near them (seperately) to have the testing done. That should happen within the next week. Doing it this way, the results only take 2-3 weeks, so in reality, it will be a shorter wait than it would have been the other way.

I'm just flabbergasted by how hard this has been, and how much we've had to fight, and that we've had to overcome all the obstacles that have been placed in our way by the biological mother, and by the agency, and by human nature (and society's predisposition to side with the mother) and by our legal system...

I cannot imagine how many fathers there must be that have not been able to overcome it all, or how many children that have been hurt in the process because of the lack of an accurate medical history.

A to the B to the...

A. Tommy goes in for the paternity test tomorrow. 3 - 6 weeks later, we'll know something one way or the other. It can't come quickly enough for me. I am still disheartened and frustrated by the amount of work that's gone into simply finding out if he's the father, let alone actually getting his paternal rights. Which, by the way, will be long gone by the time we know whther or not he should have had them in the first place. I'm trying not to obsess over that fact, since he didn't intend to try to stop the adoption anyway.

B. It snowed. NC doesn't get snow. I mean, hell what we got today doesn't really qualify as snow in the real world... we got 2 inches, followed by sleet, then rain. We now have slush. It's yucky. But this morning (knowing the lifespan of snow around these parts) we got up and went out to play in it. 8am and we were having a freezing good time. We built a snowman - 6 feet tall. Then 'transgendered her' by putting her in a bikini and giving her a beach umbrella.

The rain has already reduced her to an unrecognizable (toppled and melted) mass in the yard.

More on Adoption

So I have posted before about the adoption saga that is ongoing in our lives. What I don't think I made clear was that everything possible has been done to deny my son his paternal rights. Granted, we still aren't sure that he's the father, but regardless, she claims he's the father, and yet has done everything in her power to guarantee that he was denied even the option of knowing.

I believe that she's been urged to do so by her mother, and I try to keep in mind that she's 15 and feeling pressured by what her mother and her family want her to do. I try to temper my anger with compassion for the situation that she/they are in.

But I won't deny that I'm angry as hell that she has done what she's done to create the situation. And I'm even angrier with her family for being so unciviliazed and immature in a situation that has such vast consequences for so many people, and in so many ways. I won't even pretend to wish them good things. Good things are not what I've been wishing on them in this last 5 days.

When we met with the adoption agents, we were told, from their standpoint, what they would be doing, how the process works, and what they were willing to do to help. Frankly, it didn't seem like much, and was sparked not by 'doing the right thing' legally, morally, or ethically. It seems to be inspired only for the sake of preserving the appearance of ethical behavior. I don't think they really care that the adoptive parents know the baby's health history. I certainly don't think they're even slightly interested in finding out the truth for Tommy's sake, or even for the sake of making sure the adoption goes through without the possibility of Tommy throwing a wrench in it. It feels to me like, faced with us, they had to take measures to protect the reputation of Christian Adoption Services.

Frankly, right now, I cannot care what their motivation is, no matter what a crazy spin it may send my moral compass into. Right now, I have to do what needs to be done, however it needs to be done, to find out if this is Tommy's child. Period. I don't like admitting that. Honesty is of the utmost importance to me, and this whole thing feels distinctly dishonest.

Anyway.

In the last 5 days, she's given birth, named him Graden, and given him away. The adoption agency became very difficult to contact and did a lot of not-returning-calls. We got information (from other sources) that the original family that was to adopt him had backed out and we were left not knowing anything about why they backed out, or where the baby was (or would go.) And of course, that meant that we were also getting no feedback about whether or not there would be a paternity test.

And then this morning the adoption agency called. And they told us that they were indeed going to do a paternity test, but that we'd have to wait until something like Wednesday. This would be problematic if Tommy had any intention of deciding to keep the baby because his 7 day window would then be irrevocably closed. But he has no such intention, and that's a moot point in reality, but don't think for one minute that I think it's an accident or a coincidence... I believe that it is an intentional, purposeful decision on the part of the adoption agency in order to insure their interest, which is, no matter what, to place this baby with the adoptive family. That knowledge makes me even more distrustful of the agency.

Aside from that, if they hold true to their word, the testing will be done this week. Then there is only a six week wait for the results.

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damn it

Simplicity is Not an Option in my Life

Simplicity is Not an Option in my Life

9 months ago Kory's girlfriend (a 15 year old girl) snuck in Tommy's bedroom window and 'spent the night' with him. The only thing she would say to me the next morning was "I might be pregnant with your grandchild."

Of course she came up pregnant very soon after, and there is some reason to believe that she was already pregnant and looking for a scapegoat... no way to know that yet one way or the other until the baby is born though, so we're operating on the assumption that the baby may very well be his.

The girl's family has refused to talk to us, and insisted that the girl and her sister absolutely not talk to my boys. But through the miracle of teenagerdom, and MySpace, the pregnant girl still occasionally messages the boys. She's very civil to Kory, and nasty as hell to Tommy. Whatever. She's 15, I don't expect a lot from her (and she's proven me right lol) but I would expect more from her family. We shouldn't. Anyway, we got information a couple of weeks ago and apparently, she (and/or her family) have decided to put the baby up for adoption.

This isn't really what Tommy wants to happen. Of course, not even knowing if he actually is the father, he doesn't have a lot of power. It's the way the law is set up... To keep the father as out-of-the-picture as possible so as not to 'screw up' their adoption plans. But he can't afford to raise this baby, and he isn't mature enough to do so even if he had a job or whatever, so he knows that the baby is most likely better off being adopted.

Today, again, thanks to MySpace and the very strange friendship between the mother and my son Kory, we found out that it's a private adoption through a Christian adoption agency. We even know first names of the adoptive parents and their one son, we know why they're adopting, what their educational background is, what line of work they're in, their religious affiliation... We even have pictures of them and their son and their home, from the adoption agency's web page.

With all that said, remember that the mother maintains that Tommy is the father, but has not involved him in any way in the adoption process. She's basically ignoring and trying to circumnavigate his paternal rights. There are laws pertaining to father's rights, and an adoption cannot legally go through without A.) proving paternity and gaining the father's consent for adoption OR B.) Filing the proper court papers to terminate his rights without his knowledge.

This pisses me off in ways I can't even begin to explain.

So, after spending days chasing our tails, making calls and leaving messages and trying to find a way to get a DNA test to prove or disprove paternity (which we started before the new information came to light) we finally know who to contact and how to get this done, to know if it's his or not before the child is adopted.

He doesn't want to stop the adoption or complicate his son's life, he just wants to know if it's his and be listed somewhere so that the son can find him if he chooses to in the future, and of course, he wants to be as involved as they'll allow, and we're hoping they'll allow that...

Now, as much as this is not my issue, my problem to solve, and not about me, I'm going to tell you that this child was (if it's Tommy's) conceived less than a month after Nova died, so there's a certain neurotic connection in my mind between Nova and this baby.

I just lost a son, and it's eating me alive knowing that I may very well be about to lose a grandson too...

MySpace is strangely addictive

MySpace is strangely addictive

I've had a Myspace account for nearly 2 years now, but I signed up just so I could comment on MySpace blogs. Of course, the damn thing was too complicated for me and I never did anything with it, and never even really used it to comment anywhere.

Then I joined Union CountyMommies.com and found out that basically every woman in Monroe has a MySpace blog. I resisted, I swear I did. But lately I've spent a lot of time there. It makes me feel old, but strangely connected. Not that that makes any sense really - I was already connected to all the people on my friends list...

Anyway. MySpace has a bad reputation, we all know that. It's either all teenagers, or all child molesters and rapists/murderers, right?

It also happens to be where every family member you haven't spoken to in a million years is, and it is how you can find them or they will find you. Scott has discovered that a bunch of his family members have MySpace accounts. Me? Haven't found a soul, but then, I pretty well burned my bridges along the way, and the only person that might 'find' me wouldn't be one I wanted to deal with anyway.

Christ, I can't keep up with the people in my life (on line and off) right now - like I need people crawling back up out of the muck I call a past. Can you even imagine what I'd do if my ex-husband messaged me!? Good god I'd delete my whole online existence to avoid him!

Anyway, that's just me, and I'm overwhelmed just by keeping up with laundry lately, let alone history. But Scott has had great luck, and he's happy to have found who he's found -and who's found him- because he's better at rolling with the punches than I am.

And you know what? MySpace is like quiz/meme hell. There are bulletins, that are a lot like getting forwarded junkmail, with a gazillion goofy questions to answer, and somehow, you feel like a MySpace Jack Ass if you don't fill out every.damn.one. *sigh* And yet, I'm completely addicted.

Go figure.

Want to know my MySpace screen name?
♥Erin♥
Ugh seriously. AND - I've even figured out how to do the layouts custom ones. I'm thinking that it's sort of like my second childhood or some shit, I dunno.