Wednesday, October 22, 2008

NOT about me!

Today was the memorial service for Siddalee. I was really considering attending. It just felt too weird, too intrusive. I can't think of anything more personal than your child's funeral, or a more unwelcome guest than someone who is a complete stranger to the family, having never laid eyes on the child, who is only in attendance out of some (probably mislead) feeling that, having been there, could possibly 'help.' Especially someone who would undoubtedly bawl like a... well... like a grieving mother, only, not for the child being memorialized, but instead for ones who had been dead for years.

Years. It seems strange to say "Nova has been gone for years." I don't know how time goes by so quickly... but I digress.

The point is that I felt as though I'd be intruding on their grief, so I stayed home and managed to collect nearly another $100 for the burial costs. And cried. And messaged my husband at work about how much I miss our babies. And expected him to console me via text message, in the middle of his work day. And I had to kept reminding myself that, sure, Siddalee's death has brought up all the grief and sadness again, but it isn't about me.

That is one of the things I hate the most about grief. It is selfish, it insists that the bereaved BE selfish. And I am not a selfish person.


  1. It's all so very personal, grief is. I wouldn't say selfish, just personal.

    You're one of the most generous people I know.

  2. You deserve to be selfish, E. Horrendously and disgustingly selfish. But you're not. You take your grief and you turn it into something beautiful on a daily basis. You give to so many and in so many ways, and don't even pretend that it's not your grief that drives you to do so, at least in part. So take that moment- grieve for your babies. They deserve it, and so do you.

  3. I am so, so sorry. I had no idea you are a grieving mother.

    I'm sorry.

    Of course you are not selfish.

    Plus, you are a poet and poets feel everything as deeply as it gets, the joy, the sadness.

    I've only "known " you for a month or so and I know you are a remarkable woman. So giving.

    if I an pay by Credit card on the Chip-in I am going to. Can't PayPal because we had a dispute with them and they unfairly terminated our contract with them.

  4. The donations do go into my paypal account, but you can use your credit card to make the donation. I don't *think* you have to have a paypal account to do it. Unfortunately, the site seems to be having some sort of issue and I can't get there to make sure I'm not lying ... I'll make sure tomorrow and give you an answer...

  5. ok, I checked, and no YOU don't have to have a paypal account, you can make a credit card donation :)

  6. Yes, I noticed an issue with it but I'll try again.

    Or, if you e-mail an address I can always send a check. ("Contact"link, top of my humble home page.)