NaBloPoMo starts tomorrow

and knowing me, I'll forget.

*rolls eyes*

Happy Halloween y'all!

So it's Halloween

Again.

Anyone else get tired of celebrating holidays? Let's pretend that I didn't celebrate it every year as a kid... which I did, but let's just say... That makes this the 19th time I've taken one or more (usually more) kids door-to-door, dressed in ridiculous costumes (one year, Kory was the grape guy from the Fruit of the Looms commercial, OMG, hysterical!) to beg for candy.

19 years is a long time, but I have another 10, at least, to go! 29 years is a long time to beg for candy without getting the point that you can BUY candy by the gross, and not have to traipse around in the freezing cold to beg for it.

I'm getting too old for this shit. And don't give me any shit about age just being a number, or fill my head with that "you're only as old as ya feel" bullshit either. I'm old. And tired. I had a Halloween party last weekend, and trust me, for this year, I am so over this shit. November 1st can't get here soon enough!

And then, in walks Terra, snaggle-toothed with her not-quite-ready loose tooth, absolutely vibrating with excitement about dressing up as Snow White again and trick-or-treating. And I can't help but get a little excited with her.

I swear to you, God made kids cute for a reason.

Some crappy thing I had to write at 2am so my brain would shut up long enough to let me sleep.

The sky is so clear tonight. I stood smoking in my driveway, watched for one wandering meteor lost in the night. There was a dog barking on the next row over, but he seemed farther away than the stars. If I'd have seen one shoot overhead, I'd have wished that damn dog silent. But I suppose maybe there's someone in charge up there after all, saved me from wasting a wish on a midnight mutt.

Or maybe, as usual, I forgot about the meteor shower, remembered a week too late.

I don't know if there's a God like the Christians say, or maybe a bunch like the old Egyptians believed. Or maybe the Universe, in all its dazzling complexity and beauty, is a God in its own right. That's the way I see it. Truth is maybe I don't want to know. I don't want Science to scare me with a hungry black hole, or religion to tell me how it's all going to come to some Apocolyptic end.

It doesn't matter, really, does it? For me, it will cease to matter that last night, when I stare into a surreal night sky, where no more silent wishes wander, and close my eyes to sleep.

Last Day

Today is the last day of fund raising for Baby Siddalee's Funeral Arrangements. I'd love to raise the rest, but $600 is a lot to hope for in a day! So I'm aiming (hoping praying keeping my fingers crossed) to raise a total of $700 to pay off the Funeral Home. We shall see. I'm hoping my one pay check comes in tomorrow so I can donate a bit more as well, because I actually have ZERO liquid assets to donate - I mean, I did donate some already, but I'd like to do more...

If you would too, click "chip in, on the right side of the screen.

NaBloPoMo

I've never joined NaNoWriMo, or NaBloPoMo or, well, I'm sure there are other gibberish-sounding movements I've never joined. But this year I'm joining NaBloPoMo which kicks off in November. Now, I think trying to commit to posting a new blog every day for the month of November is a bit insane in my current state of chaos, but that's ok, because the chaos simply means I've got a lot going on to post about - but more than that, lately I feel like I've actually got something to say. So, NaBloPoMo, here I come! Anyone want to join in the fun?

I might be...

OK, I *am* going to South Africa, on a missionary trip of sorts. Sounds odd for me to call it that because I think of a missionary trip as someting churches do, and I'm definitely not part of any church...

It was going to be June '09, but there's a very real possibility that it will actually be summer of '10. It's still very much in the early planning stage, and I'm still very much in the surreal stage where it hasn't really sunk in yet. There's a LOT to do between now and then, planning and finding the funds to make it happen, preliminary planning for how to shuffle my home life around for the 3 weeks so that I can go with a minimal amount of disruption in my family. I've got to see what I have to do to get a passport and any medical checkups and such that I'll need before I can go.

But there it is, I'm going with a group from 29Gifts to South Africa, to visit with orphaned children with AIDS, and to launch an educational program for AIDS prevention.

I'd have NEVER guessed that this sort of opportunity would arise for me, but I'm incredibly psyched about it, just so pulled to do whatever it takes to go and do this. So there's that. Be forewarned that sometime in the future I'll be asking for donations to finance a trip to South Africa.

NOT about me!

Today was the memorial service for Siddalee. I was really considering attending. It just felt too weird, too intrusive. I can't think of anything more personal than your child's funeral, or a more unwelcome guest than someone who is a complete stranger to the family, having never laid eyes on the child, who is only in attendance out of some (probably mislead) feeling that, having been there, could possibly 'help.' Especially someone who would undoubtedly bawl like a... well... like a grieving mother, only, not for the child being memorialized, but instead for ones who had been dead for years.

Years. It seems strange to say "Nova has been gone for years." I don't know how time goes by so quickly... but I digress.

The point is that I felt as though I'd be intruding on their grief, so I stayed home and managed to collect nearly another $100 for the burial costs. And cried. And messaged my husband at work about how much I miss our babies. And expected him to console me via text message, in the middle of his work day. And I had to kept reminding myself that, sure, Siddalee's death has brought up all the grief and sadness again, but it isn't about me.

That is one of the things I hate the most about grief. It is selfish, it insists that the bereaved BE selfish. And I am not a selfish person.

Untitled

There will be no more butterflies.

The wind’s turned cold again,
with the rattle of dried baby’s breath
and limbs that scrape together
in an effort to create
warmth from friction.

But the chill of another brazen fall
cannot be swept away like
so much leaf-litter refuse.

There will be no more butterflies
but their colors are permanent -

indelible

in the release of autumn leaves
that swirl, brilliant, at your feet.

Friend of the Family Lost a baby this morning

My oldest son and his fiancee are very close to another young couple with children. Alec (Tommy's fiancee) babysat for them for free a lot because they couldn't afford to pay for childcare. I had met John, but never Mandy or their children.

This morning I got up and hit the grocery store and when I got home, Tommy told me that their baby, a 4 month old little girl named Siddalee, didn't wake up this morning. That when they went in to get her, she was cold and blue.

I can only assume it was SIDS, but they don't really know anyting yet. I'm just so sad. Any time I hear of a baby dying it just rips my heart out for the family, especially the mom. I guess having lost 2 of my own makes it hit closer to home for me.

I know they can't afford a funeral and head stone, so I'm starting a funeral fund for the baby. If you'd like to donate, you can use the chipin donate button above (donations go through Paypal) or email me for my home address.

PS: The Chip In widget says Nov 28th, but in truth, they need it by Oct 28th - I've adjusted the settings at ChipIn but the widget isn't showing the change yet.

Un-bulleted list

I just love this layout. Except it does a weird 3d thing that makes me a twinge cross-eyed.

My mother believes that Obama is a Muslim, AND the antichrist. And that Palin is good people.

I've decided to stay completely out of any more political debates because it makes me want to shake people.
Hard.
For a long time.

I've never hunted, and yet, I have a freezer full of venison. Thanks Sheryl! *waves*

I'm looking forward to grocery shopping, because I'm buying another turkey and the rest of the fixings for 2 Thanksgiving dinners.

It is cold out tonight, so we have the fireplace lit. It's beautiful, cozy, relaxing, and smells gooood.

I miss writing poetry. Once upon a time, I thought in stanzas...

I also miss sleep.

I have one week to pull together a Halloween party for kids whose ages vary from toddler to young adult. WTF was I thinking?

It's been too long!!!

It's been probably 2 years since I changed the dang layout on my blog, which means... I have no idea anymore how to change it without losing all my good stuff - because really, I didn't know wtf I was doing back when I *WAS* changing it a lot.

Sucks to be me. I don't even remember how to log into my blogrolling account, so I can't edit my links. I'm feeling pretty dang idiotic :)

I think I'm just going to have to "reset it to factory settings" and start over. It makes me sad, and oddly excited. I'm so fucking weird.

That's All Folks

Does everyone hate grocery shopping or is it just me? OK, I know it isn't just me. I mean, obviously every one of the 2.5 million people jostling through the Wal-Mart grocery section today was hating their grocery shopping too. Funny how some people are such generous creatures when it comes to sharing their misery, huh?

But I showed them! I bought a turkey, destined to be given to someone who will be lacking in the feast department this Thanksgiving. And there will be one purchased every week from now till Thanksgiving, if I can just figure out how to fit them in my dang freezer.

Note to self: buy freezer stretcher

Yeah, there's a group on 29 Gifts that is organizing sort of a "big give" where a bunch of us buy the fixins' for at least one full Holiday meal and donate it to a family or organization we know who is in need. I know several families, and I'm having a food drive for a local organization.

Anyway, I've been trying to get this post done for like 3 hours but I can't stay still long enough to do it so, blah. That's all folks