Monday, February 28, 2005

Fer real do

I keep telling myself that I'm going to search out some poetry magazines, and submit a manuscript to some editors. I swear I'm going to do it, until I make a move in that direction, and freeze up. OK maybe it isn't that simple, I don't "freeze up" I sort of distract myself with other things until I forget I was going to do it.

I am SO disappointed in myself and my unwillingmess to try. Meanwhile, Jon is published all over the place, Cher has her own chapbook in print, Vickie is in print. . .me? yeah, 2 online Zines, woo hooo!
Anyway, MTC has a new member and I think she's gonna fit in there just fine. Her name is Erin (heheh THAT'S weird Email, "Dear Erin blahblahblahblah Signed Erin." Like I've finally lost that last marble and started emailing myself.) She seems like a hoot, although her reaction to me was much like my reaction to Tara and Jon so many years ago. It tickled me, and made me realize how it made T and J feel way back then. I chuckled about it, I admit it.

Weird though, it was a deranged sort of psycho-ego trip. God I hate to say that out loud.
I was laying in bed last night and realized that Kassi will be going to Middle School next year. 7 months and she'll be in Middle School. It's too much to digest. I don't know how it happened so quick. She's too damn young, too little. I ended up spending a lot of time today looking over old pictures of the kids when they were little, when I could still mold them, when they weren't so. . . grown up.
It also made me realize that I'm 32 years old. 32. I'm no youngster anymore -- god knows a look in the mirror should have told me that, but I suppose as a mother, maybe I see myself through my kids. Be realistic, you forget yourself the first time you hold your first child.
As much as I miss the years when they were babies, I miss the years when I still looked younger than my age, when my body was something to look at, before I lost Alexis and my spirit, when I knew who Erin was, and could look her in the eye.

I don't know me anymore.


  1. MTC is Moontown Cafe - it's another poetry forum, mostly used by very young and inexperienced poets.