Sometimes I have a hard time removing myself from my writing, a romantic sort of notion that I am my words. In that case, there are times I am inadequate -- when words are not enough, because there are no words. Oh sure, there are cliches, banalities and platitudes, but then, they are not MY words, and therefore, they are not me.
Sometimes giving yourself is the only thing you can give, because it's all you have, and yet, it isn't enough. What words excuse death, fill the void of grief? There are no words.
I am not even afforded the awkward silences, or the uncomfortable back-patting hugs, because my only connection is digital.
See, someone I love dearly (whom I've never met in person) has just lost two very important people in his life. The most important people in his life. I have cried for him, after the disbelief passed, and my hands stopped shaking long enough to email a mutual friend and verify the accounts. Then I lay awake in bed till nearly dawn, just trying to figure out, exactly what happened? How, Why? Then the mental movies began, all the horrible images of how it all might have happened. . . and of course, what can I do for him?
What have I come up with? A sympathy card, a series of poems, and a hesitancy to mail them for fear of intruding on his pain, his grief. We are close, with a mutual respect for one another as people, we are friends, I consider him one of the best people I know. And yet, I wonder what place an 'internet buddy' even one who's been around for years, has in his suddenly harsh reality, removed from any internet connection.
This is all sounding so selfish -- it's all coming out so wrong. The point I'm failing so miserably to make is that I want him to know I adore him, and that I want to support him, in any way he needs right now. Perhaps that way is to remain silent and let him cope. I'll mail my card on Monday and hope that it is received as a sign of love and support, and not one of intrusion.
And then, give him time.
This world is a cruel place for things like this to happen to people like him.