Sometimes I have a hard time removing myself from my writing, a romantic sort of notion that I am my words. In that case, there are times I am inadequate -- when words are not enough, because there are no words. Oh sure, there are cliches, banalities and platitudes, but then, they are not MY words, and therefore, they are not me.
Sometimes giving yourself is the only thing you can give, because it's all you have, and yet, it isn't enough. What words excuse death, fill the void of grief? There are no words.
I am not even afforded the awkward silences, or the uncomfortable back-patting hugs, because my only connection is digital.
See, someone I love dearly (whom I've never met in person) has just lost two very important people in his life. The most important people in his life. I have cried for him, after the disbelief passed, and my hands stopped shaking long enough to email a mutual friend and verify the accounts. Then I lay awake in bed till nearly dawn, just trying to figure out, exactly what happened? How, Why? Then the mental movies began, all the horrible images of how it all might have happened. . . and of course, what can I do for him?
What have I come up with? A sympathy card, a series of poems, and a hesitancy to mail them for fear of intruding on his pain, his grief. We are close, with a mutual respect for one another as people, we are friends, I consider him one of the best people I know. And yet, I wonder what place an 'internet buddy' even one who's been around for years, has in his suddenly harsh reality, removed from any internet connection.
This is all sounding so selfish -- it's all coming out so wrong. The point I'm failing so miserably to make is that I want him to know I adore him, and that I want to support him, in any way he needs right now. Perhaps that way is to remain silent and let him cope. I'll mail my card on Monday and hope that it is received as a sign of love and support, and not one of intrusion.
And then, give him time.
This world is a cruel place for things like this to happen to people like him.
erin - i still haven't written jon because i don't know what to say . . . i 've written & rewritten letters in my head so many times but still nothing
ReplyDeletehope you are well
i realize this is an old post but i'm enjoying your journal
thanx erin
~jennx
I didn't even realize you knew Jenn. I've emailed him a few times, but nothing in depth - he's so private, I fear I'll intrude on a pain that is obviously his and all his to hold close as he sees fit, you know?
ReplyDeleteHe was in chat today, he seemed very Jonish, very OK, which I'm sure was partially true and partially, well, you know. . . it was good to see that he was OK enough to be in chat at all though, and I am relieved at that. I have been so worried for him.