I'm a thoughtless ass

For someone who claims to be a wordsmith, I sure can open my mouth and stick my foot right in it. Seems I've inadvertantly hurt the feelings of a dear dear friend, and can't seem to manage to find the right words to undo the damage.

This friend once compared me to a Mack truck when it came to certain projects. That's me. I see/have an idea, fall in love with it, and throw myself into it with everything I've got. That's me - no self-control, and to be honest, I normally see the need for self-control when it comes to promoting something I believe in. At least, until recently that is.

The problem with the Mack truck theory is this: I put my heart into a thing, and sometimes things don't go how I wanted or how I'd hoped, and my heart gets broken, my feelings get hurt, even in situations where it shouldnn't hurt my feelings at all. I'm sensitive, tender, and -as much as I will deny this later when I'm not feeling it so deeply- vulnerable. That's normal for me on a good day.

Lately, life has not had enough good days. I've been overly-sensitive, too tender-hearted, and more than vulnerable, I've been all out naked when it comes to my feelings. Therefore, the few things that might not hurt on a normal basis, well, they hurt too. That isn't because anyone else has done anything wrong, it's just a combination of my personality and my recent grief. Even large blunt rounded objects feel like tiny razor blades, and I simply need to learn when I'm over reacting to something - or better yet, learn to keep my fool mouth shut until I do realize when I'm over reacting.

So I've offered my apologies to this friend, and I feel like dog crap for allowing my stupidity (and tourette's-like tendency to blurt things) to hurt her. I've tried to explain that I never meant to hurt her feelings, that the things I said were about ME more than about her, or her actions, because there was no wrong in her actions. Now, I sit and hope that I haven't done so much damage to our friendship that it can't be undone. I don't want to lose her friendship, but it's a real possibility. I've done all of this, and now I do it here, even though I doubt she'll ever read it, because I'm an ass for letting it all happen at all.

And for the rest of you, I'm apologizing in advance for anything I might do or say at this point in my life that might hurt you in any way. You all know I love you, and I'd never intentionally hurt you, but sometimes this mouth of mine does things on its own, or in cahoots with my slightly-damaged heart, long before my brain kicks in and has a chance to think things through.

I'm impetuous, intense, and have a tendency to follow my heart and give voice to my emotions. These are some of the things that I love about myself, and sometimes they're the things that make a thoughtless ass.