Today, Nova would have been 6 months old, he should be here, doing the things that 6 month old babies do. I know, it isn't his 1 year birthday - but it is something that, had he lived, we'd have made note of, marked off on the calendar. He'd have been starting solid food, rolling over, and saying mama/dada (probably dada, my kids always said dada first, even though I have always been the one doing poop patrol and boobie duty, not that Scott could possibly do boobie duty of course!) By now, he'd have been smiling all the time - it breaks my heart to think that he only ever really smiled once in his whole little life.
See, it's the little things we mourn, the things we will never get to see him do, never get to say to him, or teach him.
Instead of celebrating his 6-month milestones, I'm thinking that in 4 days, we will mark the 2 month anniversary of his death. God I miss him, more than I can ever express.
Erin, I know you are hurting. WHEN i lost my second baby, I cried, and wrote poems and said, I never gave you a Christmas present, or a birthday card, I never even gave you a name, except for Blue Eyes. One night I dreamed I met him--he was grown. He smiled and hugged me and said (without words, but I KNEW) "It's Okay." It will never "get better," but time will help.
ReplyDeletePS I love your 'laugh at myself' list!
ReplyDeletecelebrate his life. Yes.
ReplyDeleteDreams. It's not the same, but I used to have this dream where dad was alive, and him being dead that was the dream in my dream.
Dreams. Nova's are yours. Dream my friend. Dream. That's where he smiles all day and night.