This is Alexis. It's been a long time since I posted her picture, if I ever did, I'm not at all sure I ever have, here anyway.I got an email through one of the grief groups today that reminded me so much of how I felt and how I reacted to her death, that I had to go looking through her pictures and things. Truth is, I have thought a lot about her lately, but I haven't felt much about her. The pain has subsided over the years to something much smoother and Nova's death had been overwhelming most of my feelings about Alexis' death. It was even true the other night when we were rearranging. I moved her stuff without blinking, but his... I could barely look at it.
So today when I got that email, I was forced to mentally revisit that time in my life. I decided, after replying to her, that I needed to go look through her things. The first thing you see when you open her box is a lock of hair, just a puff of fuzz really. Like black feather down, so soft. I'll never get to feel Nova's, it was so short that the only way it could be held together was between 2 pieces of tape, completely encased.
Even going through her things, I cried about Nova.
Time...sweetie...a little more time. *hug* I love you. Wish I could've been there to help you, if only to cry with you.
ReplyDeleteErin, I get the sense that you feel somehow guilty for crying over Nova while looking at Alexis's things. It's not that you loved him more, just simply that losing him is the more recent, more tangible thing you have to hold on to. Time has a way of smoothing things over for us. They don't go away, just become more a part of us. Alexis has had more time to do that- I believe you call it "Acceptance".
ReplyDeleteI love you, E.
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