crapola

So what's today anyway? Wednesday? OK, so Monday night, I didn't sleep, at all. Tuesday morning I went to the hospital to sit with another woman whose son was going in for surgery. I was nervous, but excited, if that makes sense. I'm glad I went, the mother is a doll, the baby is doing miraculously well, I got to see Dr. Watts actually smile and seem optomistic - Dr. Watts doesn't generally do the whole transparent emotions thing. It was excellent to see, excellent that the baby did so well. They've already extubated him, taken him off a lot of meds, and are talking about having him in a room tomorrow afternoon. A success story it seems. Good to know they're out there, and I'm lucky to have been allowed to be there to see it.

See, losing a child is a real esteem killer. The Erin that lost Alexis is long gone - that happy-go-lucky quick to smile confident woman. I finally got to a point where I could fake it, but I'm just not that same person. When I lost Nova, it had the same effect on my esteem, worse maybe, I don't know. But my reaction to his death has been so vastly different. I think I might find me again some day. I might even feel good again eventually. I sure as hell felt a lot more like me yesterday than I have in a lot of years. So yeah, she was glad I came, thanked me profusely, and I hope I really did help her get through the day, but it helped me too, it was a healing experience that I'd have paid for. I hope to do it again and again.

I went upstairs and saw Kandi, one of my CVRU favorites, and I jokingly said that I needed to get a job up there. She sat down at the computer and emailed me 5 job referrals. I don't know how I'd work out the logistics of getting to Charlotte and back every day since I don't drive, or how I'd manage childcare and whatever with Scott and I both working, but I'd love that job. I'd love it.

Anyway, after being up for 32 hours straight, I passed out on the couch yesterday evening right after dinner. I slept till Terra woke me up at 2:30 a.m. I slept for 8 hours, more than I've slept in many many months. Unfortunately, I was wide awake, and I'm still up: it's now 5:15. Might as well just go ahead and start the day eh?

Well, I didn't, I went back to bed until 9. Sleep is a wonderful thing. I've now slept 12 1/2 hours. Thats' more than I have slept in ... maybe years. Seriously. I'm so sick of insomnia that I'm actually considering making an appointment and getting some sort of sleeping pills or something. If you know me at all, you know that's a major statement coming from a person who avoids taking even Tylenol...