Change

When I was young, really up until 2005 or so, I was really thin. 98lbs for most of my life. As I get older, I'm gaining weight, and for the most part, I'm actually glad. 98 lbs is too skinny on my frame. And I do not miss the constant comments about being anorexic, or needing a cheeseburger.
But I admit, being 40+ and somewhat suddenly being forced to learn a new body image, & learning to overcome new body image related insecurities, is a challenge.
I'm not claiming to be over weight, I'm not, and I know it... but my days of having 6 pack abs are in the past, and the future seems to include a bit of a muffin top.
It's disconcerting, to be honest. It's not that I hate my body - I'm really ok without a bikini bridge, and I'm pretty sure thighs are indeed supposed to touch, I just have to remember what I should expect when I look in the mirror. I'm still oddly shocked at the muffin top thing every time I (re) discover it.

flightless

I hate pictures of myself. I hate having to come face to face with the way I have aged. The way I wasted my youth, my beauty, my years. I've accomplished nothing.  Forty one years of service. Forty one years of doing it all wrong.

And oh god please save the pep talks.
Seriously.
I was going to be a doctor. An artist. Travel the world. Fly jets for the army. Become a famous poet.
Build a round house with an ocean view and ...be.
I've done none of the things I wanted to do when I was young.

There was always an excuse. A job to be done, a child or 5 to care for. A child or 2 to grieve. A mother, and a husband, and a boss, to defer to. Second fiddle, back burner, tomorrow, later - always for the sake of someone else. All I have done is age. And not well.

As a young girl, I kept a journal. I remember the way the paper smelled, the scratch of the pencil against it, like my words whispering back at me - sympathetic, understanding - the way they welcomed, embraced even, my dreams.

Now all those spiral notebooks lay strewn about the floor of a little girls' memory; silent, pages open, spread like the wings of dead birds. Flightless, in a building filled with abandon.

I bounce, all day. I bounce between people calling my name and tasks that demand my attention. Children, co-workers, customers, friends, tables, dishes, paperwork, administrative work at my job, telephone calls, text messages, chores, kids, bills, ... and any time I'm doing one thing, someone is calling my name about something else, and my brain is running through the list of other tasks I still have to do. My mental checklist is NEVER finished, and I never feel like anyone is satisfied, I never do enough, I never finish.

I sometimes find myself wishing I was still a stay at home mom. That's easy. I'd have house work done before the kids ate lunch, on school days I'd have hours to relax or do things I *wanted* to do. Yes, we had less money and less 'stuff' - and less stress, and more sleep.

I'm tired.

I am 40 and I'm ready to retire. 9 more years till my youngest is 18, and I'll never be able to retire. I will work like this until I die. That is my worst fear: never being able to ever just relax.

Also, I may suck as a manager

So I have been at a new restaurant in Mint Hill since they opened last September. Over the last 10 months, I've been moved up from waitress, to trainer, and now, part time, to a management position, which I enjoy - most of the time. But I find that, having started there as a waitress, and having been friends with my co-workers, it's difficult to get the level of respect I need from them in order to be effective at my job.

Right now, as things stand, I kind of suck at my job because it's impossible to get them to do what needs to be done (or, more realistically, to get them to NOT do the things they aren't supposed to do) because I'm just Erin, not "The Manager." Making the transition from peer to supervisor is proving harder than I expected, and apparently, it's going to require me being a hard ass bitch a few times.

I'm not going to like it, but I think it's just a necessity. This makes me less than happy, because I don't want to end friendships, but I simply have to redefine some relationships, redraw some lines... or quit.

And that's not an option, because I love my job, and I love my co-workers.

I guess no one ever said anything in life was simple.

I suck as a lesbian.

I wish I wasn't so clueless. I can spot a gay guy from a million miles away - even the ones no one else ever pegs as gay... but with women, my gaydar simply doesn't work, unless it's painfully obvious. A long time ago, in a land far far away, I was utterly in love with a girl I worked with. Gah she was perfect. And she flirted too, always grabbing my ass and shit - one time she even stripped to her bra and panties in front of me (she was changing for a date, with a dude...) - but she also made derogatory comments about what she called "carpet lickers" so how the hell was I supposed to know she swayed that way!?

I never made my  move, and then years later I ran into her at a local restaurant -- with her girlfriend. She gave me her number that day but her girlfriend scared me so I never did call her! Anyway, on a different note, she was murdered a few weeks ago. Murdered. That's still surreal to me. Anyway.

Now there's another girl. Is she for real or just kidding? and does it matter? Would I date her if I knew she was serious? It's been so long I forget how to make love to a woman, and would it be worth my job? I'm her manager. And she's 20 years younger than me. And... well, let's say less mature than I like. Or is she? What the hell do I like!? It's been 15 years since my last girlfriend, I have no idea what I'd like. Other than the obvious, obviously. And how would this all factor into my marriage? Is it worth going there? Scott says he wouldn't care if I had a gf, but would he really not mind? Would there be jealousy and tension? 

I have no idea. And it doesn't matter, because I'm not even sure if she's gay/bi or just fucking around. Because I suck at lesbianism. There ya have it.

wow. weird.

I'm forever on facebook these days, rarely on blogger... i don't even really know how it works anymore. I must reacquaint myself ... i genuinely miss the connection I had with my readers. I also have to figure how to make it notify me when someone comments. I promise I'm not rude, just busy, and strangely clueless. Weird, feeling so clueless about a platform I used SO MUCH once upon a time!

i should post more. or not.

So, crazy news... I think I'm about to officially get a promotion... part timish, not a full time change of duties or pay, but shit, waitresses don't get promotions or raises, so I'm pretty stoked!

The rest of my life is stressful and complicated so it's nice to be seeing positive things happening in at least one part of my life.

and everything changes

I spent the last 17 years and 5 months being the bragging proud mom of one of the most amazing young ladies ever put on this earth. She's beautiful, and funny, and has a heart of gold. She was never perfect, but oh-so-close. And she was my oldest daughter. And she was my heart. And we had an open and honest and loving relationship. And we stole each others clothes and laughed at each others silly jokes and ... well, we enjoyed spending time together. And then she lost her mind.

And in the process, I think I've lost my mind too. And I've definitely lost my heart. January 14th - the day Kassi refused to come home, moved out, ran away... whatever you want to call it - will be burned into my mind just as deeply and painfully as the dates of Nova and Alexis' deaths. Maybe more so. Because while losing them damn near killed me, there was a sense of "well nothing could be done about it" - there was a lack of choice. Kassi's running away has been much like the loss of either of my angels, with the huge difference that Kassi CHOSE to do this thing that has hurt so badly.

I not only feel lost and confused and heart broken, I feel betrayed. I feel like I've lost my best friend. And I have lost the ability to trust her. And oh how that makes me sad.

Not only can I not trust her to tell me the truth, or to do as she's told, or to be respectful... I can no longer trust WHO SHE IS. When you're close to someone, there's a relationship that is built on a core principle that, though we don't often think of it as trust - is absolute trust. I trusted that I knew who she was, and what she believed in. I knew what she'd say, or do, and trusted that it would never be intentionally hurtful, let alone hateful. I could look at her and know without blinking what she wanted for herself and her future what kind of person she was, and would grow into.

And in the last two months, every bit of that has changed.

The rabid non-smoker smokes Camels. The avid anti-drug activist now drinks and, though I have no concrete proof, smokes refer. The young woman who wanted to go to college and make something of her life now cares more about her new friend Sara and her new boyfriend Patterson more than her any dream she ever had for herself. And - the child who adored her family and would have cut off an arm for any one of us, has decided we are all but disposable. She turned her back on us all, ripped all of our hearts out, lied to us and about us to manipulate others' opinions and actions...

and then I ruined her run-away/move-out plans and she suddenly, for 4 days, has been 'the old Kassi' again. And it hurts my heart to admit that I don't trust it.

Happy Birthday baby boy.

Happy Holidays? (take 2)

you know what else is awesome about the holidays? Egg nog. With rum. In vast quantities.