Saturday, March 29, 2008

I remember when...

I remember when I was a blogspot blogger through and through. Then I lost a(nother) kid, raised some money, had a short lived media blitz, stopped writing poetry and opened a Mommies Group. Somewhere amid all that chaos, I lost my mind and did what I thought at the time constituted "moving on."

Moving on isn't always all it's cracked up to be.

Since then I've managed to see my oldest turn 18 and move out, my oldest daughter become a hormonal teenager, put my youngest son into gifted classes, and raised my youngest child to the ripe old age of 4 1/2... she starts kindergarten in the Fall... if I don't decide to homeschool her that is. I'm leaning towards homeschooling, despite all the begging she does to ride the school bus.

Let's see what else? My estranged father died, just after Nova did, but I didn't find that out until a few months ago. I found his oldest daughter, my half sister. Well, actually, she found me but that's a long story I choose not to share at the moment.

We've moved out of the house we rented for 5 1/2 years. Been in the new place for a couple months now... funny part is that my mother moved in with me in the old house 4 years ago, but when we moved out, she didn't. She's still there at the old place with my long lost half sister, my oldest son, and *my* garden. I won't deny that there are some hard feelings there, or that I miss my garden. It was a magical spot, my magical spot, the place I created, my therapy, where I spent time concentrating on life when I was lost in death... And I ran off and abandoned it. Yet another plot of dirt I won't visit.

I had a job, managing a small family owned coffee shop. Loved the job. The boss? Not so much. Unfortunately, I didn't learn what a hateful bitch she is until after I chose to move into THIS house, for the sake of that job, because it's within walking distance... convenient since I don't drive huh?

So much for that.

I've learned a few lessons in humman psychology since I left here too. Mainly that I am not the kind of girl who bonds well. That I'm not well suited to dealing with certain types of women - one of whom was my "partner" in the Mommies group. She showed her ass and left though, so there are silver linings right?

So now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life... I've never reached this point before, when my youngest is going off to school (or, at the very least, has reached a completely new level of independence) in the absence of pregnancy or a new baby. What now?

No clue. For now I'm content to sit around and ponder about it without actually *doing* anything. Whatever.

I'm on year #3 of joining the AHA Heart Walk. Team Nova 2008. I've raised $50. My goal is $5000. I don't see me making it. I'm up to my eyeballs with the new house, the group, work, life, being a wife and mother.

I had another mother contact me recently, another heart mom with 2 heart kids. Hers were happier stories than mine... Anyway, she said that she read somewhere that there were only 7 recorded cases of a mother with multiple children with severe heart defects since 1980. 7 unlucky couples, she and I being 2 of those 7. Boy do I have a way with beating the odds eh? ;)

Anyway, my point in raising money for the AHA was because I want to help with researching families like mine, families who've lost children to CHD who have been told that there are some "unknown, unexplained" genetic reasons for the CHDs their children were born with. But all the money in the world won't make it possible to research something that happens 7 times in 28 years. There just aren't enough people to study... I mean really, what's that, 14 kids, and at least 2 of them are dead... not much of a pool to build a medical research project on. Not enough participants to even come out with remotely valid results.

Well now, that was a tangent I didn't mean to go off on.

Anyway. I'm on Myspace way more than I am blogspot now. I miss blogger. OK, I miss having my shit together like I did when I was here all the time. And there's no going back. Now, well, things are different now. Not better or worse, just different.

Wanna read more pointless ramblings of an insane mind?